MY LIFE AS A WASTREL, PART 1 - HOW I BECAME HOMELESS

The trope about being broke that you see most on film and television completely fails to understand the mindset of an actual poor person; it's a privileged person's idea of what it would be like to have no money. You've seen the scene; a man takes a woman on a date to a fancy restaurant but can't believe it when the bill comes, or a lady goes to pay for her groceries when, uh-oh, her card's been declined! How embarrassing! In reality you are acutely aware of exactly how much, or rather how little, money you have.

I used to be very poor, despite having a job and being on benefits. Part of it was misfortune that could of happened to anyone, but a large part of it was me being too scared, stupid and proud to ask for help until it was too late. I have pretty bad anxiety and depression, and when shit goes south I tend to slap on a brave face and pretend everything's fine. I recently read about a study that showed we see the future version of ourself as an entirely separate entity from our current self. That is absolutely my case; I'll maximise the pleasure I can eke out of each day and let future Tanks deal with the repercussions. Fuck that guy!

I've intended to write about how I got to be homeless ever since my first post, but I don't have a clear picture of how it happened in my head. I was in denial even as it was happening, and there's no clear narrative of what happened to me in my head. I don't know if I still owe money, or to whom. I don't know what happened to all my stuff. I know that I was rejected for benefits based on my health but was given £2600 retroactively, after I'd lost everything and was living in a hospital. I know one of my banks at the time tracked me down and sent me an £800 cheque over the past weekend, a refund on fees they just now decided I shouldn't have paid at the time. When cashing that cheque today I did think back to that time and wonder if I had all that cash then - roughly eight months rent - I wouldn't have lost my flat. It's easy to think that, but the truth is I was pretty miserable back then and I'm lucky to be alive now, the extra money would probably just have delayed the inevitable. My situation now is pretty bad, having no home and living bedridden in a pretty uncaring care home, but I'm genuinely happier day to day than I was when I was squatting in my flat. I tend not to think about that time in my life.

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME THREE

Swiped right on a girl because her profile was written in Comic Sans. You know the type.

You know who's a great husband? Superman, on Superman & Lois, Tuesdays on the CW.

I wish the girls from Good Girls could party with the moms from Workin' Moms. Imagine the hijinks that would ensue!

Every week the activities coordinator here gives me a schedule of activities held in the common room, and every week one of the cleaners throws it away, pointing out I can't take part in any of them. It's nice to feel included and seen.

Every time I write Ms Julie on my tablet auto-correct changes it to Me Julie. I'm not Tanki G!

Looked up Andrew WK on Genius lyrics, turns out the dude just loves to party!

I'll tell you who are really great parents, and it's Superman and Lois, on Superman & Lois, Tuesdays on the CW.

Snapshot of The Irregulars on Netflix: A conspicuously interracial group of Victorian urchins observe gruesome demonic activity, saying things like "What the actual fuck, you bellend?" whilst Sherlock Holmes shoots up, pukes and collapses off-screen. #SixSeasonsAndAMovie!

When you send your mum money and there's not enough space to write "Illegal Money Laundering:"

I CONVINCED A GIRL TO TRY ON A DIAPER!

Cross that one off my bucket list, Functioneers!

I mentioned in my last post that a young lesbian had seen a post I had written on Reddit's Dirty Pen Pal thread sharing that she had a diaper fantasy of her own and reached out to me a few days after I put up a diaper based prompt. I don't know why she chose me to confide in, all I'll say is I'm fucking glad I did! The original post I got from her is as follows:

Hey I saw your dpp post [You Mal-Pals can find it here, the two paragraphs above the photo of the lady filling her diaper!] and honestly I would love to chat with you!

I have recently been kind of attracted to the idea of diapers. Mostly due to the control and care aspect I feel like they would provide. I feel like the control aspect is obvious. The person taking care of me would essentially have control of my hygiene. The care aspect would mostly be all of the little stuff like the diapering, powdering, washing, inspecting and what not, which is almost like pampering.

I guess there is also the whole private humiliation thing going on as well. I'd be wearing a diaper which is honestly rather humiliating but just we would know about it.

STRICT JULIE PUNISHED AND HUMILIATED

Hi Mal-Pals! I've done very little over the past couple of days besides sleep and watch feel-good TV. Does anyone else remember Alphas, the SyFy series from a decade ago? Can you believe it's been TWELVE YEARS since the Sci Fi channel switched their name to SyFy? As a great man once said, (will say?) "Time makes fools of us all!" Anyway, it's a series that holds up really well, with great practical effects and realistic human characters. The character of Gary is the best written and acted depiction of autism I've ever seen, and I was surprised at how well I remembered certain scenes a decade later.

I spoke a little more with my Bumble match but she is growing tiresome with her very short answers, writing one word for every six or seven of mine. I've given her space to tell me more about herself but she only answers direct questions, and with as little detail as necessary. You may have noticed that I can be quite loquacious once my tablet is in my hand, but I don't want to feel like I'm prattling on or interrogating her. Still, no harm, no foul.

I haven't reached out to anyone else on Reddit but I've had a couple of messages from the "reverse sissy" and plenty more fun and games with Stinky Lips and Babycakes. They're like a dirty sub yin and yang! I did have a 23 year old lesbian reach out to me to say she saw the post I shared here before, and that she had been fantasizing about being placed on diapers, attracted to the feelings of control, care and private humiliation. She shared that she has a partner that would love to do it for her but they have been separated by COVID as the partner is out of the country doing research, and they'll be apart for at least another month. She confessed that she had bought herself some diapers but had been too embarrassed to try them on! I wrote her back, but only a few hours after she messaged me. I hope she'll get back in touch tonight.

DENIED HELP

 A man calls in to work, and says he can't come in because he's sick. His boss says "Really? How sick are you?"

The man says "You tell me, I've just fucked my retarded daughter."

I'm telling you this joke because I received a letter on Saturday afternoon that took the wind right out of my sails. I was in good spirits on Saturday morning, feeling relatively healthy having overcome a small medical malady on Thursday and having a fantastically dirty time on r/dirtypenpals. That all changed when I got a letter from the local mental health team that left me wondering how sick I needed to be.

The letter essentially is letting me know that they're not interested in helping me, despite all the pro-active ideas they had in the room when they saw me. It literally says "As your current issues with your mental health are based very much on your situation, we are unable to provide any support until you have made steps towards changing your situation. We feel that at this time your needs are most appropriately met by weight management services and we would encourage you to work with them towards discharge from [your care home] and getting back into your own property. At this point if you are still struggling with your mental health, you can be re-referred back into mental health services."

ART REFLECTING LIFE, LIFE REFLECTING ART

Art is probably too strong a word, but you get the picture! I'm still playing around with Orange Envelopes of Love and am bloody loving it! A quick bit of housekeeping before I get on to the good stuff!

Frequent commenter and Channing Tatum body double j.stern asked if I could describe some of the care home residents and staff. I can only say that I have a room to myself and have yet to meet any other residents, and that after six months I haven't really made much of a connection with the staff. I keep the door shut because I'm often watching something NSFW on my laptop. It also shields (but doesn't block out) an alarm that sounds whenever anyone on this floor (at least 18 beds that I know of) need assistance with anything, and is therefore going almost constantly during the day. My room is also adjacent to a laundry, and I can hear it going even as I write this at ten to one in the fucking morning!

Staff come in every two hours between 6pm and 6am, so I leave a lamp on constantly so as not to be disturbed by the change of light at these intervals. During the day I get a wash, meals are brought to me and dishes collected afterwards, pills are administered and I ring for a urine bottle or bedpan when needed. The staff all wear face masks and plastic aprons due to COVID-19 (although they're all tested and inoculated) which makes it hard to learn names and faces. The staff is overwhelmingly female, with a couple of male nurses in charge of drugs and all-female carers in charge of everything else! Because of where I live they're almost entirely white, also.

QUICK HEALTH SCARE, QUICKER EROTICA

 Hello my little Functionistas! I hope you're doing well! I've had a rough day, though I should make it clear that has absolutely nothing to do with my vaccination a couple of days ago, which was absolutely fine.

I've been feeling a lot more tired than usual over the past week, something I've mentioned on a couple of recent posts. Well, today I slept pretty much all day after staying awake all night. I told one of the carers I was feeling spacey and she just jokes that she'd have some of whatever I'm taking. (She'd have to put a little time aside, I take about 18 tablets daily!)

When they woke me up for dinner I soon felt weird. Sweating profusely, blood rushing to the head, acutely aware of my hearing - I recognised the signs and, sure enough, my pulse was too weak to feel in my neck, another indicator of supra ventral tachycardia. As I've mentioned before, I have experienced this phenomenon six or seven times, so I know what I'm talking about. This time it didn't fully happen, I could feel my body fighting it and I never passed out. Previously my heartbeat has gotten as high as 277bpm, or hamster speed, but today by the time the nurse got here it was down to 97bpm.

I say by the time the nurse got here: I told a carer I needed my pulse checked and they went off to find the nurse manually rather than ringing the emergency bell. I don't want to be over dramatic, but if there's a problem with my heart it's probably best to deal with it sooner rather than later. I've had to go to hospital with this on multiple occasions; how bad would you feel watching me get driven off in an ambulance knowing you left me lying there with an irregular heartbeat for twenty minutes rather than ringing the bell? This time it was mild but until it clears you don't know how bad it's going to be - one episode a little over a year ago was bad enough that I signed the form acknowledging that they needed to shock my heart and that I could die as a result of that. It sorted itself just as the anaesthetist came to measure my throat; ten minutes later and I'd have been shocked, Chev Chelios style.

PENPALS, NEW & OLD!

 What up Mal-Pals? Hope you're all keeping well! I certainly am, I had my second COVID-19 jab today and am looking forward to longer visits from my parents, the occasional takeaway (I've had one slice of pizza in the past six months and it fuckin' suuuucked!) and hopefully some physiotherapy, finally! I had my first jab on New Year's Eve, my arm felt heavy for a couple of hours, like I'd been lifting weights, but other than that it was all good. This time I didn't even have that, I barely felt the needle going in, then after a few seconds it stung for a couple of minutes, and now I'm 95% immune!

I joined a couple of fetish dating sites, figuring if disabled dating wasn't going to work out then maybe I should play to my other strengths. Brief first impressions:

Fetish Dating UK - Seemed promising but fun by whoever's behind SingleDisabled and Genuine Disabled Singles and God knows what else, and uses the same fake introductory message gimmick to tempt you into shelling out. (Ultimately it's a company called TheHubPeople, though they seem to have a ton of pseudonyms they use to "power" various sites.) I am never going to give those assholes any more of my money, especially seeing they haven't even removed the scammer I reported off the site, she is still listed as email verified and a VIP member (so she's paying to use the site - I hope she's making a loss!).  In fact, when the scammer first messages me the site vouched for her as such: [SCAM_GODDESS] is a regular member of this site. Please be wary of members pretending to be Admins and attempting to divert you from the site or take payments from you. More on my con artist friend and her giant arse later!

I MADE A KINKLIST!

I was going to celebrate Mother's Day, and my father's birthday (which is also Mario day, so that's fun!) by sharing my history of mental illness and the worst thing I ever did to my parents, which is also the worst thing I did to anyone. But I'm still not feeling 100%, and when I do it's going to take a lot of emotional bandwith. On top of that, my Wi-Fi connection still sucks shit, so I want to keep this relatively brief. I'm just about ready to snap my tablet in half as it is!

Well, it turns out today is also White Day, or Steak & A Blowjob Day, a chance for those of us lucky enough to have received Valentine's gifts (or dirty stories) to return the favour and show how much we care about the ones we love (or occasionally e-mail)! If you're unfamiliar with this tradition then you'd better hope your admirer is too or you may find yourself in hot water!

With the focus of the day being reciprocity and satisfying needs, I may as well share th is kinklist I made after reading a post on Reddit (more on that in another post!). Today's also Pi Day, but I don't have anything for that, other than that this is a chart, but not a pie chart. Like I said, I'm feeling kinda spacy.

FIRMLY OUT THERE NOW!

Hey there Mal-Pals!

Haven't really done a lot over the past couple of days besides sleep lots and experience limited success on various dating websites, so I thought I'd come back to that. My sleep patterns are weird, I sleep less than average, and there are definitely nights when I just don't feel tired and just keep doing what I'm doing and then suddenly it's breakfast. Because I live in a care home they check on me every two hours throughout the night, so I leave a lamp on 24/7. The last couple of days I've been pretty tired and napped a lot and I'm hoping it's just sleep catching up to me and not an infection coming. Guess we'll see!

Last weekend I watched HBO Max series Soulmates and this weekend I plan on watching Netflix series The One. Both shows have the same premise: What if there were a scientific way of determining your perfect partner. It seems that true romance in the 2020s is elusive enough to classify as science fiction. That said, I signed up to a couple more dating websites; here are my first impressions:

STRICT JULIE GIVEN AN ENEMA AND PLUGGED!

Hey there Mal-Pals! Do you like your new collective nickname? I may also be referring to you as Functionistas, because that seems like fun too.

Apologies for the bait-and-switch headline, today's filthy, filthy content has nothing to do with the real-life punishment that Strict Julie will be undergoing for my benefit, or her new series of articles entitled Grown Daughter Spanked, Diapered, and Given an Enema! My laptop is still refusing to connect to the care home's Wi-Fi, so I'm still writing to you on my tablet, which is less than ideal! So I decided to share a story with you that I have already written.

I wrote it when I was reading her second book, and it was going to be the story she used to introduce me on her blog before she changed her little mind. In her book the naive young Julie Delmar is introduced to anal sex by her old-school Christian husband David, who prepares her for his meaty cock by cleaning her out with a fleet enema and stretching out her delicate hole with three different sized butt plugs (used in sequence, not all at once!). This story is a sort of fan fiction based on the book that supposes the God-fearing Mr Delmar is less familiar with the ins and outs of assplay(!) and so Julie turns to her deviant older sister Sue for help.

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME TWO

 It's Superman & Lois, not Superman & Steve.

Crumblr: A new app that will totally disrupt the apple-based dessert industry.

I have absolutely got depressed and binge watched Malcom in the Middle enough to be considered for the Avengers. Wanda Maximoff is the hero I didn't know I needed.

Genuinely just seen the following TV show listed - "Shut-ins: Britain's Fattest People - Where Are They Now?" I don't want to seem insensitive but... still shut inside, presumably?

Befriending a cowardly lion is a great idea as long as you never have to sleep.

You know who's a great dad? Superman, on Superman & Lois, Tuesdays on the CW.

I thought my drinking problem was bad, but I've got to the point where I'm craving new episodes of Bar Rescue more than actual alcohol.

Clarice Starling may ruffle the feathers of those pencil pushers at the Bureau, but she's a darn fine agent and she gets results, damn it!

Call me crazy but I would forego desserts for the rest of my life if I could have well-cooked eggs whenever I wanted! So underrated. #EggsPlease!

PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE

This morning I was feeling very lonely. This isn't something I often deal with; I lived a pretty isolated existence before I was bedbound, and have intimacy issues, so I've rarely worried about loneliness or a need for contact in the past. You can't miss what you never had, right? Wells, so far this year I've done a lot of soul-searching, and started taking some very effective head meds, and there have been a lot of very rewarding positives I've experienced as a result. I think feeling a little bit lonely may be the first negative to come from dropping my emotional baggage and altering my brain chemistry with duloxetine and amitriptyline (I'm on the good stuff!). I'll take it. And I have felt this way before, but today is the day I did something about it.

Tankerton Latch, table for one!

There are a few factors contributing to my feelings of isolation today:

• I saw my parents yesterday, so I won't have any visitors until next Monday. 
• My brother's working the late shift so there's no family Zoom this week.
• I had to deal with the one cleaner here who's kind of an asshole first thing - lack of privacy and being unable to set your own schedule are the worst things about being in hospital or a care facility, there have been hospital stays I was underperformed for that felt a lot like doing time.
• My laptop isn't connecting to the care home's erratic Wi-Fi, so I'm using my tablet to surf and write this, which is less than ideal.
• My friend Strict Julie has agreed to my real-world punishment, a ridiculous development that just two months ago would have seemed about as realistic as me becoming a space tourist.

A MORAL DILEMNA & EXTENDED "TANGLED MUSINGS"

 As you're probably aware, my spiritual patron Strict Julie not only posted a story I wrote for her on her wonderful site, but she also graphicly described in some detail an elaborate, hedonistic masturbation session she indulged in. I was incredibly flattered and more than a little aroused. I poured over every word, putting my immediate reactions in a comment as I went. It was very public but also incredibly intimate, with Julie not only sharing how she pleasured herself physically but also how my words were affecting her mentally. Unlike the last Julie story I published, this one was pretty much all my fantasy, modified slightly to fit in with some of the other fantasies being posted by her fans. (Julie is very special to me and there's a lot of things I like to imagine her doing, but sucking off a retiree isn't one of them!)

 When Julie told me she was going to post the Larry story I thought it would be fun to share some of the things I'd written into the first story because they are my go-to turn-ons, and some of the things I'd included in the second story specifically to try and tingle Julie's pussy and dampen her panties. When I saw she had edited my story down I thought it would be good to post the full story here, with the deleted scenes highlighted for those of you who don't want to read the whole thing again, as a sort of director's cut. But before I get to that I feel like I need to address something that's been weighing on me today, now that the afterglow of the original reading has worn off.

DINNER AT JULIE'S: A CROSSOVER EVENT!

I've written a lot about my good friend (and evil temptress!) Strict Julie from Strict Julie Spanks. I originally e-mailed her with three comments I had written that were too long for the blogger comment section to deal with. The first two I have posted here, and I believe she has posted the third comment on her blog today, a true honour! (QUICK EDIT - She absolutely posted it and gave it the most entertaining and positive review I have ever read. She is pure fire in every aspect - hot, bright, untouchable, uncontrollable, crackling with energy, giver of warmth but scary and worthy of your respect... It's pretty rad.) That comment was in response to this blog entry in which she lets her neighbour Larry learn a little about her deviant lifestyle. I don't know what she's saying about the story over there, but here was her initial feedback to me - positive, but less than glowing:

You brought the wife in, which normally would be hot, except you don't know her! Also, with me I get into a certain "mood", and current mood is male dom all the way and I resent a woman's power over me when in that mood. Though sometimes I get into an F/F mood and then all I want is to be dominated by a woman. I'm hoping in r/l Larry won't tell his busybody wife, hoping to keep the fun going, but I am prepared for the fact he might, wife and daughter both, as a fun tidbit about the city girl next door.

But have no fear, my mood changed sort of halfway through and I fiddled myself to the second reading of the wife fucking my ass while Larry jizzed down my throat!

So yeah, it seemed that it was not entirely her bag but she had found something in there she could half-heartedly touch herself to. I'll take it! This was (and is) incredibly new territory for me. I addressed her critiques and promised I would take another stab at a similar story but with her turn-ons in mind.

I LOVE NATE: THOUGHTS ON CONSENT & THE MOST DAMAGING THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME

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MY LITTLE PONY RIDER

I've told you guys before about how I was encouraged to start this blog by Julie of Strict Julie Spanks fame, after I e-mailed her a couple of comments I had about a post she had written that were too long for the comments section to handle.

I'm sure anyone reading this will be familiar with Julie's blog, but I'll give you a quick run-down in case you're unfamiliar. It is very well written and worth your time. Julie started her blog nearly ten years earlier when she first started spanking her husband. There was a lot of talk in the early days about what a big bad domme she was and how she wore the trousers in her marriage, and it was exciting to see her enthusiastically experiment with different ways of humiliating her husband, both in public and in private. However, it wasn't long before she started posting about being on the receiving end of a good solid spanking, and she has written about being disciplined by her husband, her sister, her parents, and her friends. She's even paid professionals to treat her like a sloppy little sub slut, as you can see in the photo here:

I imagine Julie was very strict telling her Mistress exactly how to punish her lovely little bottom!

MY LIFE AS A LIMP-DICK: A MEDICAL HISTORY

Fair warning: in this post I'll be going over my medical history and explaining exactly how I wound up bed bound at the age of 33. I'm not looking to bum anyone out, or illicit sympathy and I haven't undergone a bunch of surgeries or anything too gross. I just know my on-going condition will come up a bunch in the future because it's obviously a huge aspect of my life, so it'll be handy to have something to point at that says what my deal is and that I'm not really bothered by it. If this is not your bag and you want to skip the rest of the post then that's cool, but there are bits that are funny and embarrassing and, not to brag, there was a brief time when I sported too much cock for any woman to handle, so I hope you'll find something in here to enjoy!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WATCH, AND WHY I CARE

For today's entry I decided to take a break from thinking of filth and sharing nightmares from my past and instead finish a post I started writing right back when I began this blog, In the opening of my very first post I called the BBC America show The Watch "terrible," and as I began to share my feelings I realised I had enough to say about it to warrant a separate entry on the topic. It's not all negative though, I want to share a few franchises that influenced me growing up that will always have a place in my heart.