A PERVERT ROBOT HELPED ME WRITE STRICT JULIE FANFIC!!!

Hi there, Functionals! I started another blog post about a week ago, and it's taken a lot out of me emotionally. I'm still at the shitty home with no movement date in sight. So frustrating! I do have other big news, but I'll share that next time.

What I have done in the last week was find out about InferKit, the neural network that generates further text to continue a passage you give it. It seems to be super smart; it'll generate different continuations even if you put the same text in two different times (or, indeed, countless times)!

I wrote a story starring Strict Julie, as I am wont to do, first letting the robot chip in (or microchip in, wokka-wokka!) and then giving it more words as it built up my trust. By the end Of let the robot write almost half the story, letting it carry on when it was on an interesting tangent.

To begin with I rewrote the beginning of Julie's last family dinner, thinking that would give us room to manoeuvre. I have since coloured the robot's contributions in scarlet. I hope you enjoy it!

Sunday was dinner at Julie's parents' house. They generally got told about all her more serious misbehaviour-based spankings. This is something she felt she wanted as part of her spanked wife status from the start: that extra reality (and, yes, extra embarrassment) of trusted others knowing. Sue and her girlfriend Amanda would be there as well this week. Everyone present would be in her inner circle. Amanda had mainly seen (and participated in) David being dominated by Julie and Sue, but she knew the full story of Julie being a spanked wife as well from Sue. Julie's parents did not know that the three women played with David in this manner; only that Julie was a spanked wife and that David did his best to keep her under his thumb.

Little prima donna that Julie was, when she got to the table where lunch was being served she made a show of wincing as she sat and saying "ouch." There was very little acting required!

Sue knows when her little sister is fishing to be embarrassed by her spankings and took the bait. Right in front of everybody she asked, "Oh my. Look at you sitting. Did you get a spanking just now?"

Julie turned bright red. "Yes, it's true that I was spanked by your husband for being in his way. As you can see," she said, turning around in her chair and showing her bottom to everyone at the table, "he likes to take care of his wife."

Julie's mother let out a gasp of shock; her father grinned but made a joke of partially shielding his face whilst peeking through her fingers. Her husband, David, barked "Put it away, Julie!," and her sister Sue giggled and pointed out a particularly nasty bruise to her own partner, Amanda.

"I assume she meant she was getting in your way?" Julie's mother asked David. As much as she loved her daughter, she had to admit there were times she could be very airheaded, getting confused by things like which traffic lights represented what, whether doors were open or closed, and who was bound by which marital vows.

"That's right," said David, "I spanked her for disturbing me whilst I was watching my spaceships show on the television. Still, I made it up to her later on. Tell everyone what we did that night, Julie!"

Julie blushed and said "Come on, David, I want to hear about it." She squeezed his knee affectionately and smiled shyly.

David waited while the younger members of the household were served their lunch, talking happily about the various upcoming trips and changes they had in store. When everyone was done, Julie said, "OK, then. Let's get started, shall we?"

It was now early afternoon, the group were relaxed, and Julie's nephews had taken their lunch into the living room where they were taking it in turns on a noisy video game. As Julie's mother opened a fresh bottle of wine David started telling about their sexy evening together after Julie's well-earned spanking.

 "Well, Julie was feeling the pain in her bottom, naturally, and was a bit stressed out after a lengthy stay in the corner," David said. "I decided to run her a nice hot bath with lots of bubbles! Well, after keeping her company a little bit she got a little feisty and decided I should get in the bath with her! And, well, Julie, you should tell them what happened next!"

"Ah yes, I was getting her to take off her clothes whilst I soaped her up and, well, as I was shaving her bottom, we got a little carried away," he said, pausing to let his audience of one digest the last part of his story.

"Can we, David, please go on? How did you get her in such a state of arousal?" Sue asked, anxiously taking her own hand out from under the table, where she had been rubbing Amanda's thigh. She was the only one paying attention, the other guests were pretending to cover their ears as David casually revealed how Julie's shapely bottom was hairy enough to require regular shaving.

David took a sip of his wine and carried on, a little annoyed at how Julie was failing to contribute. "I'm not entirely sure; I don't think she fully understands it herself. A spanking always puts her in the mood for sex a little later; I think because it makes her feel seen and paid attention to, and also because she finds it sexy that I could really hurt her, but don't. It's as if she put her body and her mind up as collateral and gambled with her vulnerability, both mentally and physically. And the bet paid off, so she needs to celebrate."

"That's really interesting, David, I've never thought of Julie's identity as a 'spanked wife' quite like that before," said Julie's mother. "Tell us, Julie, do you have any other fetishes  you'd like to tell us about?"

"Oh, yes!" said Julie. "I am definitely aroused by anything that involves a penis; for example, I'm really turned on by having a penis being stroked in my hand. I like it when a man kisses me on the cheek or behind my ear, but really want to make him go down on me too, although I'm not really confident about that myself. I think it's because my own husband hasn't been very good at giving me oral."

David spat out his wine in shock as the other diners laughed at this revelation. "You've never complained before!" he exclaimed, feeling his face go red from embarrassment.

"I'm sure you just need a little course-correction," said Amanda, trying to play peacekeeper as Julie's family howled with laughter 

"I've got some tips for you David!" Julie's father offered, causing her mother to slap him with a napkin.

"Doug!" she exclaimed, a little embarrassed but also a little bit smug. Turning to her daughter Julie once more she said "I'm sorry to hear David's been letting you down. Are there things you've been doing to stimulate yourself sexually?"

 Julie paused before answering, then admitted "You know, I have a passion for oral sex!" she said in a conspiratorial tone to her parents, whispering, but only just.

"Well, if you'd like to find out more, Julie, I can show you the best way to please a man in bed, and make him cum inside you!" her mother suggested as David started to blush again at this new source of amusement for his audience.

"In that case, you'd better let me have David to myself," Sue teased, patting him on the arm.  "Amanda and I can talk you through the finer points of eating pussy!"

"Hang on a second!" said Doug. "What do you expect me to do whilst you're all off giving each other tips for the bedroom?"

Julie thought for a second. "I can't really get David to help me with my hairbrush?" she pondered, her face flushing red in embarrassment once again. "I'm sorry David, you can't come in the shower with me either?

"Oh no," David replied. "This isn't about getting wet, it's about you giving me a quick explanation of your fantasies. I think you'll get a good idea of what makes a woman orgasm when you listen to us."

As he said this, his eyes locked onto his father-in-law, who was looking perplexed. Doug couldn't help but think David had misunderstood Julie's comment about coming in the shower, but decided to focus on the comment she had directed to him.

 "You'd like me to give you a hairbrush spanking, to show David how a real man does it? Well, I can do that, though your bottom looked plenty sore enough! Well, let's do this!"

 He moved his chair away from the table in order to accommodate his daughter over his lap. Julie got up from her seat and took his hand, leading him to the centre of the dining room, her face bright red.

He sat down across from her, and helped her take the pants down off her legs, then watched as she struggled with getting her jeans and knickers off. She was obviously finding it difficult, and he became a little concerned when she just stood there. He realised she must have the same problem getting out of jeans.

He called her over to the sofa, where her nephews were still playing their video game. "Help me pull these jeans off your auntie Julie, please, lads," he said, taking his daughter by the waist. "I don't want to have to remind you twice!"

Her nephews began to tear her jeans, her boyfriend's clothes, panties, shoes, bra, socks and everything else off her body. She hadn't noticed this, having her eyes focused firmly on Doug who was standing by the sofa, watching the activity.

He had an understanding of the realities of puberty, and understood the way a young girl's body reacted to it. His erection had not disappeared. He took a cushion from the couch and thanked his nephews before taking his daughter by the arm and leading her back into the dining room.

Doug sat on his chair once more, put the cushion over his lap, and addressed his daughter once more. "Enough playing around, Julie. If you want me to give you a spanking then this is your opportunity."

He sensed disappointment from his daughter. She knew she had crossed a line by talking so frankly with Sue and Edna about their sexual preferences for others in the living room last night, and despite Jenny's invitation, Sue knew that Jason was not alone when he asked her for 'show and tell'.

Doug held his head up high and delivered the firmest of whacks. "What is there I should give you a little better swat than 'Emily' do," he asked, repeating a phrase that one time he'd heard in a poorly dubbed Swedish film. Julie let out a little yelp of pain. She hadn't realised how drunk and inappropriate she had been at her parent's book club meeting the previous evening. Had she really harassed Edna  about her sexual preferences when they were discussing td works of Douglas Coupland? And why had she agreed to play Strip Poker with Jenny, Jason, and that other guy?

Julie felt very embarrassed as her father continued to spank her naked in front of her closest family. David and Sue were smirking at the site of Julie's naked bottom.

"What do you think I should give you a spanking that might make it worth more?" he enquired as he brought his hand down again. "Oooohhhh!" Julie yelped as she squirmed a little, trying to escape the big hand.

Doug dropped his hand for a moment. "No, no, no. 'Emily' only requires one swat, does she?"

"No sir," replied Julie.

"I think you're right, 'Emily,' you require many more!" Doug said, bringing his hand down hard for a number of spanks in quick succession. "But we're forgetting, you wanted a hairbrush spanking, did you not? Let's give that a try."

 Julie's mother handed him a hairbrush to use on Julie's throbbing bottom. As he applied it to her reddening skin, Julie's face was still lit with anger, but now she was also with embarrassment. Her bottom must have been a perfect red colour. The brush stung like a motherfucker, and Julie yelped even harder.

"Julie, I'm very disappointed in you this morning. I saw your little conversation with Edna and Sue in the living room last night, and it was all quite inappropriate. I want you to be honest with your parents, so if you feel like you want to ask your dad for a spanking any time in the future then do so, you have my full blessing," said Julie's mother. " Is there anything else we should be doing to punish you on occasion?"

"NO, I'm sorry, Mummy," replied Julie. "I just don't know how to get control of my tongue sometimes."

She felt her dad pat her bottom, and said a little awkwardly, "My daughter needs a spanking. I should be in charge of this. My other children also have a curfew, and we have to get up at six o'clock to get to work on time. What do you think I should do about your drunken behaviour last night?"

Doug was gentle as he spanked Julie's bare bottom. He spanked the same spot many times, and Julie's eyes were full of tears. Eventually he decided she'd had enough, and stood up to give her a hug. She gave her mom an apologetic cuddle too, wishing she could put some clothes on.

"Sometimes when Julie's been naughty I punish her by sticking things in her bottom," David volunteered. "Julie, why not list six or seven things you've had pushed into your bottom hole?"

Julie shook her head. "I don't know how to explain that to people." She started crying. "Why did I say that about Edna and Sue?" she wailed.

"I'm sorry, Julie," said David. "I'll tell them that you told us the truth, and that you were just feeling a bit lonely. And there's no need to be embarrassed about talking about something like that with your parents, is there?"

"No, I'm sorry, Mum," said Julie, wiping her eyes. "It's just not something I usually talk about. It's private."

"Well, we're all family here, nobody is going to judge you. Would it help if I told you some of the things Doug and I have pushed up my butt?"

Julie nodded, and David continued, "My favourite was when Doug did an interlude during the spanking, and pushed his penis right up inside me. It was really nice! I think it's quite special that you're talking about these things with your parents, isn't it?"

Julie's mum smiled. "I can think of one other thing you should mention," she said, fingering the bottom of her daughter's underwear. "My son pushed a spade bit right into the centre of your bottom hole once too, and you have a nice scar from where it splintered."

 Julie was shocked, she hadn't realised her father had anally penetrated her husband whilst she was bent over awaiting further spanking. "It is nice to talk about these things," she agreed. "May I get dressed again, or is someone going to stick something inside me?"

"It's a bit wet in there, isn't it?" her mum joked.

David laughed, "Yes, but it won't hurt if you get used to it." Julie asked to be left alone, and went to have a shower. After she had cleaned herself up, she got back into her pyjamas and went back to bed.

"Wow, that was a naughty behaviour, even by your standards," said David. "Julie, I believe that you will need to be spanked again for it."

"I don't know about that," replied Julie. "My bottom is so sore right now."

"It is very sore," her husband agreed. "Is there something else you would rather we did?" 

Julie thought for a moment. "I'd like to have a kiss and cuddle with you, if you're up for it."

David's eyes sparkled. "I'd love that, love."

They were lying side by side, kissing and caressing each other's naked bodies. She reached over and unfastened David's trousers, and gently pushed them off his legs.

"Oh, you naughty boy," David laughed, sitting up to give her his jeans. "Can't let you get them off, can I?"

He pushed them down, and Julie was treated to the sight of the most enormous penis she had ever seen.

"That's my baby," she exclaimed. "It's so big, but it's really soft, isn't it?"

"I know it's big, but I don't mind," replied David. "It makes me feel so happy to see you this happy. And it's lovely to make you happy."

Julie was admiring his penis. It was unusually long for a boy, but not unusually long for a grown man. She also noticed that he was the only man she'd ever met who had very, very hairy balls. She guessed that they would be knobbly, as they were already hairy and hard.

She reached forward and began to stroke them.

"Hey, this tickles!" said David, laughing.

"It tickles a lot," Julie told him, grinning. "I've never felt anything like this before!"

"I know. It's quite exciting."

Julie was revelling in feeling his penis on her hand. "It doesn't really feel that soft to me, I think it's a bit strange," she explained.

"It is strange," agreed David, smiling. "I suppose if you're used to having smooth skin on your hands, then it might be odd to feel my big, hairy, hard balls and surprisingly rough penis. Well, good night!"

 He turned off the light, and Julie lay there naked, thinking about the afternoon she'd just had. One thing was for sure, she was definitely going to sleep with a pillow between her legs!

When Julie awoke, it was still very dark. She could smell coffee and bacon in the kitchen.

"Is that breakfast ready?" she asked.

"It is now, love," her husband replied.

She got up and headed downstairs, still naked. 

"Looks like someone had a good night," Sue said sarcastically to Amanda, who giggled appreciatively. Julie sat with them at the table, helping herself to breakfast food.

They were all completely surprised when David joined them, dressed in tattered pyjamas. "Where the hell have you been, you madman?" demanded Janet

David stood up and smiled at the women. "What are you looking at, you twat?"

He put on a very obvious smirk. "Shove your camera away, woman! It's not even warm outside!"

David headed into the kitchen, and Janet followed him.

"Oi, you're not off the hook that easy, man!" demanded Janet.

David was about to reply when Julie entered the kitchen, as naked as the day she was born. "Who is this woman?" she demanded.

David stared at her for a moment before saying, "This is Julie."

After seating himself at the table, he continued, "She has come to stay until tonight, then she'll be going back to work."

Julie looked at the four of them, smiling in amazement. How did they ever find an attractive single girl without revealing themselves to all and sundry? 

 "Oh really?" she asked seductively. "And what do you suggest we do until then?"

 David smiled, sure that she would like his answer, as would his sister-in-law and her girlfriend. "We are all going to watch a film, then you're going to show us a few of your favourite scenes."

Julie was confused. "A film? Aren't most films performed at home?"

David held up his hand. "No! How can it be performed at home when you film them at your place? I won't let you forget this."

Sue strode towards Julie and slapped her. "You stupid slut, after reading about my own fiancé just today, you couldn't manage to ask him who he was or why he was marrying a lesbian. I can't believe your arrogance! What are you going to do to make this up to us?"

"I think the first thing I need to do, before you come up with any more ideas, is to find the most expensive prostitute this side of the planet!"

A knowing look came over her face as she left the room.

David called after her, "She was real! Have a look at her photos. And how big are her tits, to be honest? Are they big or are you just greedy?"

Sue leaned over and thumped him hard on the back of his knobbly balls, causing him to double over in pain. "Don't let your idiot wife wander the streets of Toronto naked and looking for a prosititute! What kind of an idiot are you!?"

David called after her. "Julie, you don't need a prostitute! Amanda, Janet, and I will do whatever sexual acts you like, on film if necessary! Just tell us what we should do!"

Julie came back. "I know what I want, and it's this: David, Amanda, come with me to our suite. Amanda, leave the porno and copy Pete's stories to a disk."

"David! We'll check the disks before we do anything!" called Janet.

David stood and smiled, looking at his sister-in-law and her girlfriend. Neither of them seemed as upset by his nudity as the rest of his family did, but that could just be because they were naked too. Although he doubted it, the tattered pyjamas he had been wearing were very unflattering.

Amanda put down her porno and set Pete's stories transferring from her laptop to an external hard drive. She went upstairs to join the naked married couple, and Sue was hot on her heels. Janet stayed downstairs, doing some IT work.

"Well, here we are, Julie, naked and in private. What now? " asked David.

"Now, I want to start with some pillow talk." she replied.

David nodded. "All right."

"We're all going to start our pleasuring in this position." she continued. "Me on top. Okay? David, you lie on your back with the pillows under your head. Okay?"

"Okay."

"You'll notice some signs of arousal already, I think."

As she sat down, Amanda hit her switch in her side office. Immediately a whirlwind of erotic films fluttered past her screen: frolicking young girls in stockings and garters, sado-masochistic blow jobs, sweet lovestruck boys reading great literature, voluptuous women in expensive fishnet stockings, and then a crucifix being slowly raped by a hooded headless man.

Julie noticed the moaning boys on the screen, and then gave a shudder. She swung around on the couch so that her upper body was visible for sure. "If I could say just one thing we should all remember after the adventures of the last 24 hours it would be this: the next time I look at my pretty husband, I'm not going to see a sissy man who wants to emasculate me. I'm going to see a man-woman who loves to fuck and/or please. Because this house isn't about possessions; it's about celebrating life together."

Then she gave her loving family a big hug, and fell asleep knowing she must be one of the luckiest girls in all of central Canada.

The End

What do you think? Pretty uncanny in places, right? Bring on the Singularity!

Eat Peace, Motherfuckers! ✌

DOING THE LAUNDRY: STEAMY SUPERCHARGED EDITION

Hello, Function-y Bunch! Hopefully this will be the last time I write to you from Shitbox Care Home PLC, as I am due to move on Wednesday! But before I get to you with the positive things that have been going on I felt I needed to address the latest post from my friend Strict Julie on her blog, titled Doing the Laundry.

I was enthralled reading it. It's a lot darker than most of what Julie writes, and her husband David treats her pretty appallingly throughout, although Julie is clearly responding to it physically and not using her safewords. She's more than capable of sticking up for herself if she thinks a line has been crossed. The scene involves a hand spanking followed by oral and vaginal pentration. Julie is teased constantly for her high libido and for acting like a horny freshman away from home for the first time rather than a career woman in her forties.

At the end it's revealed that the scene had been established beforehand, and that David was playing a part. It's something of a bait-and-switch, but it's a relief to have it verified that David was chasing the game of a scene rather than being monstrous for no reason

Here's my issue with the post, though:

Nobody does any fucking laundry!!!!!

What the Hell? There's talk of laundry that needs doing; in fact a pair of trousers get stained and David specifically mentions they will need to pre-treated before cleaning, but then this tantalising plotline is abruptly dropped! Chekhov would not approve!

The only other mention of laundry comes at the very end of the story, when, after being spanked and fucked or whatever Julie ends with "I have laundry to do."

I don't know if she thinks that by mentioning laundry twice she reaches some threshold for minimum viable product, or if she is just trolling her readers, but I think she's better than this and that she should write with integrity rather than using sexy clickbait titles to drive up her readership. How is this a post about "Doing the Laundry?" Imagine if Waiting For Godot ended with Vladimir and Estragon deciding "We have Godot to wait for!" Ludicrous.

I wrote to Julie in private saying I thought she was above using cheap tricks and gimmicks to drive up her page count, and rather than showing remorse she went through a butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-mouth act, pretending she didn't know what I was talking about, and that she wasn't trying to drive up page views. I'll let you, the reader, be the judge, but I think we all know how sexy laundry is and launderers are.

Coincidentally, I happen to have experience working as a launderer! As such, I decided to write a continuation of Julie's story using some of my expertise to help her out. Like all stories involving dry-cleaning equipment, it ended up being pretty erotically charged!

JULIE'S CHRISTMAS EVE HUMILIATION

 First things first; I'm still in the shithole care home, there is a bed waiting for me in the good one, but the respiratory teams from the two different areas need to sign off on a plan of action to get me there. Should be early new year. I cannot wait!

I've had one episode of hamster heart since I last wrote. It was early morning, and happened a little before shifts changed for the staff here, which complicated things. It took a while to get a nurse to my room, and then she refused to call an ambulance, even though my pulse was at 235bpm! She told me an ambulance wouldn't come for me because they didn't come for her friend Dustin when he had a heart attack. What the fuck? My care is in the hands of a nurse who doesn't believe in ambulances!

I called an ambulance myself, and they asked if I had access to aspirin. I rang my call bell and asked a care and she told me she wasn't able to give out drugs. I told her that I understood that, but to ask the nurse if the house had access to aspirin. The carer went, came back, and told me I wasn't prescribed any. I told her that wasn't what I needed to know, and repeated the operator's question. She went off again, and came back asking to speak to the operator directly. She then said the nurse had given her a phone number that emergency services could call if there were any more questions. She then left me alone, taking my phone with me, and cancelled the fucking ambulance, unbeknownst to me!

Luckily it resolved itself quarter of an hour later, and the day staff nurse gave me my phone back, but seriously, what the fuck?! I was hoping I did have to go to hospital, and to need drugs to stabilise my heart (which has happened before) or even defibrillator (I haven't needed that before, but I came on so close, I signed off the paperwork and the anaesthesist came to measure my throat for a tube; another ten minutes and I'd have been on the table!). Fuck, I'd have happily died in the back of a hypothetical second ambulance if it meant the house would get investigated for negligence, and that fucking nurse had to explain why she turned the ambulance away from a tachycardic patient in her care.

This is the main thing I don't get with gun control, and allowing people to carry a gun around 24/7. I could never do it, because within a month I'd shoot myself in an act of passive aggression. Merry Christmas!

Anyways, between my crazy heart problems, fighting off a new round of cellulitis and my breathing issues, plus depression from finding my sentence at this place had been extended, I've been pretty shattered for the last couple of weeks. I will finish off the whole Stinky Lips thing at some point, I promise!

Anyhow, today's Christmas. I'll be spending it alone, but there's a family Zoom at some point, so that'll be nice. My parents have given me my presents; three scratch offs and these magnetic rings, which are kind of a "fidget toy," I guess? The magnets aren't particularly strong, or fun. Better luck next year, I guess!

Not great!

The other gift I've received is a box full of three random smellies and a flannel from the home. Given that I'm bedbound and need to be strip washed it's not a very sensitive or practical gift. A bottle of bubble bath is pretty much useless to me!

I've mentioned before on here that gift giving is very much a part of my love language. I don't always know how best to express how much I care for the people I love. My brother complained to my parents a couple of years ago that I was going overboard getting presents for him and his girlfriend; my theory there is I was making him look bad! I definitely give more to the few people I do give presents to than I get in return. I don't care; I love finding the perfect thing to let someone know that I see them and value them. I've bought Snowball a couple of presents she seems genuinely happy with, there is more en route, I can safely predict she will be thrilled!

I asked my friend Julie from the Strict Julie blog for an address to send her a present, but she asked me to write a story about her and publish it here instead. I don't know why I'm bothering, with any luck her face is buried deep in her friend Paula's asshole right now, and will remain their until this Epiphany! Still, I thought I'd knock something out for her, and for you reading this! Merry Christmas!

MY GRANDPARENTS, PLUS SOME STRICT JULIE FANFIC!

 I'm really not sure what to write about my grandparents. They were incredibly warm and loving people and made me feel truly special. I have a very vague memory of them living in a different part of town when I was very young, but for the most part they lived a short walk of ten or fifteen minutes away, bearing in mind I was a child and my brother Jason is four years younger than me. This was a quiet rural town in the early nineties, I guess nobody thought twice about two kids walking around on their own. They probably should have; I remember a kid a couple of years older than me who was in my Scout troop for about two meetings with me, getting run over by an articulated truck. This was a good kid, before the marine took over and corrupted the whole thing! Another kid a couple of years younger than me had his nose broken by a bus. My brother and I were fine though.

Not that Gramps didn't worry! He had a police scanner that he could hardly make out, and if there were any reports of missing kids anywhere in the county we would get a call making sure we were okay! Actually, my favourite of Gramps' quirks involved the phone; he used to dial 1471 compulsively, with the phone on loudspeaker. A robotic woman's voice would tell you the last number to call you and when, something like "Telephone number oh five double five three, four seven two, eight six one called today at fifteen twenty-five hours. To return the call press 3. There is usually a charge for this service." Gramps would wait for the robot to finish speaking every time, and then thank it warmly. God knows what he'd have made of Siri or Alexa!

Nan was a proper old school housewife; she would spend hours in her tiny kitchen whilst Gramps kept us entertained playing blackjack and rummy. Never for anything more than bragging rights, though one or the other would slip me and my brother some pocket money once a week. Gramps would buy me The Beano every week as well. Nan would always have a Tupperware container full of what are undoubtedly the best fruit scones I've ever had, and she was a fantastic pasty maker, as all Cornish women should be!

My parents didn't like Gramps driving us anywhere because his eyesight was failing and his car didn't have seatbelts in the back. We'd often go around theirs with a video, usually something Mum and Dad had taped off the telly. I remember watching the Naked Gun trilogy a whole load of times and then being mortified watching them years later and understanding all the dirty jokes!

STRICT JULIE'S FINAL ANAL DISCIPLINE AND HUMILIATION!

Earlier today my close personal friend, the sophisticate, wordsmith and trainee streetwalker Julie, of Strict Julie Spanks, commented on Sunday's alternate ending to the final chapter in her anal training trilogy. I posted it hoping to both whet her appetite and get a little rise out of her. I know how much she disliked the ending to my original story in which she asked her sister for help with marital arts, calling it "stoopid" publicly in my comment section and complaining about it to me via e-mail when I first sent it to her:

Very exciting! I enjoyed your story greatly (except for the 'ending" ☹️).

Though I think further sessions with Sue are called for, not just one and done.

I can imagine the txting and the blushing that results.

This was the sort of positive feedback I used to get from her, early on. Within a fortnight of swapping e-mails and starting my blog she announced her intentions of showing me off to the world. I'd never been so flattered! She sent me the following e-mail:

I want to create a post sending my readers over to your blog soon.

Is it ok if I use the (lightly edited) below story as a bit of an extra?

I knew exactly what would be lightly edited out first! Fair enough, I'd written it as a kind of joke, hanging a lampshade on the fact that I couldn't think of a particularly satisfying ending. I wrote her a sequel with a much stronger, sexier ending that had a little meta reference to the real Julie's dissatisfaction.

I had an idea in my head of how the second chapter would play out, but abandoned that when Julie was rather rude to me when we were discussing her real world punishment. That left me with an overabundance of sexy ideas to use in the final chapter. A further e-mail left me with a great idea on how to conclude my little trilogy. I had been planning on doubling down with another fantastical discovery, more ridiculous than the first. The ending was so ostentatious and absurd that I had trouble writing it, as I was convulsing with laughter and grinning so broadly I couldn't focus on the screen.

It's a good thing I write for my own amusement, because I found Julie's response to be disgusting, reeking of naked entitlement:

This new ending sounds about right. It's sort of what I expect from life, care home boy.

It's no secret to readers of her blog that Julie is loaded; her family has a second home, she and her husband pay for maids, personal trainers and high end sex workers. She just wrote about how she had her husband fuck her on a bed covered with five grand in cash. Little clues like that! Fair enough, she got an education, worked hard, married well, she has no dependants, more power to her! It doesn't mean she shouldn't be grateful, and certainly doesn't give her the right to take pot shots at those less fortunate.

I HATE A CARE HOME CLEANER, AND WHO READS THIS SHIT ANYWAY?

Hey-o Mal-Pals! I don't have a whole lot to say, though there have been a few happy developments since I last posted! I have just started on the final chapter of the Julie and Sue adventure, but it is slow going. I have other pursuits these days! I originally intended to annoy her with another silly ending, but have thought of a strong conclusion that I hope will illicit a better reaction. I'll write the original ending at the end of this, because it's too good to stay in my head, and that's what this blog is for. But before that I should fill you in on what's occupying my time! This really will be a checklist of things going on with me rather than anything with a point, more a journal entry than an article. I hope that's okay!

First off, my Reddit game is stronger than ever. I had a frank conversation with Babycakes, letting her know that I enjoyed playing with her but she was so submissive and amenable that I was struggling to know what she wanted or whether she was truly enjoying any given move I made or if she was just placating me. We shared some truths about ourselves and now we're closer than ever and both getting something out of it. She's very smart and will now let me know when something's bothering her whilst still staying in character. We had this exchange earlier, set in a Chinese restaurant, that I enjoyed very much:

Me: It's very satisfying watching you tuck in! You seem to be wearing a good deal of it too! And there's some on the table and the floor... My first idea was to bring home a large set meal, but this was so much better, someone else can deal with some of your mess for once!

Her: I’m sure I can help with some of that, Daddy. I put it there, I can do a second pass at getting it inside me.

I imagine you'll do okay slurping errant noodles off the table and sucking sauce out of your hair, but people will probably object to you getting on all fours and eating rice off the carpet, wiggling your diapered bottom in the air. I would like the option to bring you back, so don't get us kicked out! Or worse! Do you know what happens to bad Chinese boys and girls?

There’s an interesting question. Are we talking the majority Han, or oppressed minorities such as Tibetans or Uighurs? The big cities such as Shanghai or Beijing or the various provinces? Big place, China. Hugely diverse population, with a whole range of different traditions. So, yes, lots of things, but which specific bad things would require a finer brush than one that paints all 1.4 billion at once, to say nothing of the half a billion expatriates.

I’ll try not to get us thrown out, Daddy.

I certainly hope you're not implying I was about to be racist, or to over-generalize! I like to think I'm fairly liberal and forward thinking! I know I was a little silly pretending not to recognise your foreign words earlier, but that was self depreciation rather than homophobia. And you obviously know a lot more than I do about Chinese culture, I wouldn't want to offend you!

Oh, not in the slightest, Daddy. I’m extremely hard to offend, though we do share outlook and intent. Though my backside may indeed be the most offensive thing in the room. I can’t really tell. I’ll get on with the eating. Table scraps fine, floor a no go.

And I'll make a second trip to the buffet. I was going to say they have to report to Hunan resources.

STRICT JULIE HUMILIATED ONCE MORE!

Hello Functionistas! My last blog post has already become my most popular one to date, thanks to a link from my friend and muse, Julie of Strict Julie Spanks. It's funny how more people read that story rather than the first post she linked to, I imagine it's because the first time round after the link she posted one of my stories as well as a graphic depiction of how she LARPed it with multiple sex toys, whilst this time she presented it as an alternative to hearing her prattle on about her philosophy on political analysis. Walter Cronkite never uploaded photos of himself naked jerking off, we don't need you trying to wrap your head around current affairs. Everyone stay in your lanes!

I'm kidding, of course. For what it's worth I found I've had some formal education in the philosophy of politics, though not in politics itself, and thought her opinions were common sense and apolitical, preaching scepticism as a general sensible approach, which is something I wholeheartedly agree with. Of course the comments immediately turned into a nest of vipers, with some opining that republicans lie more than democrats and others saying that democrats aren't called on for lying when they should be, or are confusing lying with figurative speaking and hyperbole. Oh well, can't blame a girl for trying!

Despite my joking I do like to know a bit about the deviants who write the blogs I follow! It's more interesting to me that these are real people with full lives rather than flimsy characters in a story. That said, if stories are what you're after I should mention that all my Strict Julie Fanfiction has been tagged as such, and that anything I've scribbled down that you might find titillating has been labelled "Pure Filth."

STRICT JULIE HUMILIATED BY HUSBAND

Hello Mal-Pals! Thank you for sticking with me through the last few dark posts; as promised today's post is a lot more light hearted!

It did occur to me that I never explained where things sit legally between myself and my old landlord, who I still have never met, or what happened to all my old stuff. This is because I don't know. I was told by my housing officer that the council are supposed to keep the items I left behind in storage, though I assume if that happened I'd have been told about it by now. The contact details I gave my landlord and my estate agent were for a mobile phone number I don't use any more and a Hotmail account I stopped checking around the time I stopped opening my mail in my old flat, probably earlier. I'm not interested in reopening that wound. I'm a different person now.

I've been feeling a little rough the past few days; I suspect recalling my past has used a lot of my energy! I've been sleeping a lot, but only that sort of shallow sleep that offers no real sustenance. This morning I don't recall being given my morning morphine pills, and didn't take them until the nurse came round with my other morning drugs a couple of hours later. This is good because it means I was properly sleeping for once! When they woke me up for breakfast I was having a bona fide dream, which means I was sleeping deeply enough for this to happen, which is excellent! I never remember my dreams unless I am disturbed from them.

This morning's dream was like almost all of my dreams; I was arguing with my brother. The weird thing was I wasn't bedbound but was suffering with a bad back and sore joints. I was watching TV in the living room of our old house. Outside it was tipping down with rain. My brother was trying to force me to go outside and fix the guttering. So many of my dreams are like this, and I often wake up agitated if I remember them, as if I have genuinely been arguing all night. There are some deep psychic scars left from when my brother was a teen up until his mid-twenties; he used to bully me and my mother, arguing about anything and everything. Things are much better today; finding a nice fiancee and a job with real responsibilities has been good for him, as has dealing with his fiancee's family, who sound very difficult in their own way!

STRICT JULIE PUNISHED AND HUMILIATED

Hi Mal-Pals! I've done very little over the past couple of days besides sleep and watch feel-good TV. Does anyone else remember Alphas, the SyFy series from a decade ago? Can you believe it's been TWELVE YEARS since the Sci Fi channel switched their name to SyFy? As a great man once said, (will say?) "Time makes fools of us all!" Anyway, it's a series that holds up really well, with great practical effects and realistic human characters. The character of Gary is the best written and acted depiction of autism I've ever seen, and I was surprised at how well I remembered certain scenes a decade later.

I spoke a little more with my Bumble match but she is growing tiresome with her very short answers, writing one word for every six or seven of mine. I've given her space to tell me more about herself but she only answers direct questions, and with as little detail as necessary. You may have noticed that I can be quite loquacious once my tablet is in my hand, but I don't want to feel like I'm prattling on or interrogating her. Still, no harm, no foul.

I haven't reached out to anyone else on Reddit but I've had a couple of messages from the "reverse sissy" and plenty more fun and games with Stinky Lips and Babycakes. They're like a dirty sub yin and yang! I did have a 23 year old lesbian reach out to me to say she saw the post I shared here before, and that she had been fantasizing about being placed on diapers, attracted to the feelings of control, care and private humiliation. She shared that she has a partner that would love to do it for her but they have been separated by COVID as the partner is out of the country doing research, and they'll be apart for at least another month. She confessed that she had bought herself some diapers but had been too embarrassed to try them on! I wrote her back, but only a few hours after she messaged me. I hope she'll get back in touch tonight.

STRICT JULIE GIVEN AN ENEMA AND PLUGGED!

Hey there Mal-Pals! Do you like your new collective nickname? I may also be referring to you as Functionistas, because that seems like fun too.

Apologies for the bait-and-switch headline, today's filthy, filthy content has nothing to do with the real-life punishment that Strict Julie will be undergoing for my benefit, or her new series of articles entitled Grown Daughter Spanked, Diapered, and Given an Enema! My laptop is still refusing to connect to the care home's Wi-Fi, so I'm still writing to you on my tablet, which is less than ideal! So I decided to share a story with you that I have already written.

I wrote it when I was reading her second book, and it was going to be the story she used to introduce me on her blog before she changed her little mind. In her book the naive young Julie Delmar is introduced to anal sex by her old-school Christian husband David, who prepares her for his meaty cock by cleaning her out with a fleet enema and stretching out her delicate hole with three different sized butt plugs (used in sequence, not all at once!). This story is a sort of fan fiction based on the book that supposes the God-fearing Mr Delmar is less familiar with the ins and outs of assplay(!) and so Julie turns to her deviant older sister Sue for help.

A MORAL DILEMNA & EXTENDED "TANGLED MUSINGS"

 As you're probably aware, my spiritual patron Strict Julie not only posted a story I wrote for her on her wonderful site, but she also graphicly described in some detail an elaborate, hedonistic masturbation session she indulged in. I was incredibly flattered and more than a little aroused. I poured over every word, putting my immediate reactions in a comment as I went. It was very public but also incredibly intimate, with Julie not only sharing how she pleasured herself physically but also how my words were affecting her mentally. Unlike the last Julie story I published, this one was pretty much all my fantasy, modified slightly to fit in with some of the other fantasies being posted by her fans. (Julie is very special to me and there's a lot of things I like to imagine her doing, but sucking off a retiree isn't one of them!)

 When Julie told me she was going to post the Larry story I thought it would be fun to share some of the things I'd written into the first story because they are my go-to turn-ons, and some of the things I'd included in the second story specifically to try and tingle Julie's pussy and dampen her panties. When I saw she had edited my story down I thought it would be good to post the full story here, with the deleted scenes highlighted for those of you who don't want to read the whole thing again, as a sort of director's cut. But before I get to that I feel like I need to address something that's been weighing on me today, now that the afterglow of the original reading has worn off.

DINNER AT JULIE'S: A CROSSOVER EVENT!

I've written a lot about my good friend (and evil temptress!) Strict Julie from Strict Julie Spanks. I originally e-mailed her with three comments I had written that were too long for the blogger comment section to deal with. The first two I have posted here, and I believe she has posted the third comment on her blog today, a true honour! (QUICK EDIT - She absolutely posted it and gave it the most entertaining and positive review I have ever read. She is pure fire in every aspect - hot, bright, untouchable, uncontrollable, crackling with energy, giver of warmth but scary and worthy of your respect... It's pretty rad.) That comment was in response to this blog entry in which she lets her neighbour Larry learn a little about her deviant lifestyle. I don't know what she's saying about the story over there, but here was her initial feedback to me - positive, but less than glowing:

You brought the wife in, which normally would be hot, except you don't know her! Also, with me I get into a certain "mood", and current mood is male dom all the way and I resent a woman's power over me when in that mood. Though sometimes I get into an F/F mood and then all I want is to be dominated by a woman. I'm hoping in r/l Larry won't tell his busybody wife, hoping to keep the fun going, but I am prepared for the fact he might, wife and daughter both, as a fun tidbit about the city girl next door.

But have no fear, my mood changed sort of halfway through and I fiddled myself to the second reading of the wife fucking my ass while Larry jizzed down my throat!

So yeah, it seemed that it was not entirely her bag but she had found something in there she could half-heartedly touch herself to. I'll take it! This was (and is) incredibly new territory for me. I addressed her critiques and promised I would take another stab at a similar story but with her turn-ons in mind.

MY LITTLE PONY RIDER

I've told you guys before about how I was encouraged to start this blog by Julie of Strict Julie Spanks fame, after I e-mailed her a couple of comments I had about a post she had written that were too long for the comments section to handle.

I'm sure anyone reading this will be familiar with Julie's blog, but I'll give you a quick run-down in case you're unfamiliar. It is very well written and worth your time. Julie started her blog nearly ten years earlier when she first started spanking her husband. There was a lot of talk in the early days about what a big bad domme she was and how she wore the trousers in her marriage, and it was exciting to see her enthusiastically experiment with different ways of humiliating her husband, both in public and in private. However, it wasn't long before she started posting about being on the receiving end of a good solid spanking, and she has written about being disciplined by her husband, her sister, her parents, and her friends. She's even paid professionals to treat her like a sloppy little sub slut, as you can see in the photo here:

I imagine Julie was very strict telling her Mistress exactly how to punish her lovely little bottom!