THE BALLAD OF STINKY LIPS - PART 2

 Okay, so I re-opened this smutty behemoth, and the first thing I noticed was it's big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to this shit. If you read the first part, viewable here, then you'll have read roughly 3,000 words. That doesn't include my preamble where I tell you about my birthday, my failing health, and my life in this shitbox care home. If you read the porn element of this post too, you'll have read a further 2,000 words, give or take. If you'd spent your time instead reading George Orwell's Animal Farm, you would be one sixth of the way through it! The same is true of John Steinbeck's Of Mice And Men. Feeling pretty good about your life choices, are you?

Never fear! As a reward to you, loyal reader, I give you permission to outright lie about whether or not you've read either or both books. If anyone asks what you thought of either tome, just say "It was a little too heavy-handed for my taste," or "I get why it's important, but personally I found the message to be a little too on-the-nose." You're now effectively 55,000 words in credit - The Malfunctioner will not be beaten on value!

Today was the last Sunday of the month, so I treated myself to my monthly takeaway. I bought a pizza, and due to Papa John's crazy pricing structure, bought 2 sides and a small bottle of drink as well, because that wound up being £3 cheaper than just buying the pizza! Then they were out of all their drinks, so they said I could have a large one for free next time because they can't give partial refunds! How about just selling the food with an honest profit margin rather than trying to fool our dumb capitalist brains into thinking we're making a great financial decision just because we've ended up with a few thousand calories we didn't want? Why do all these places offer Buy One Get One Free deals and never half price 'za?

What else... Ooh, I saw Last Night In Soho, and while it won't have the rewatchability of Edgar Wright's other movies, it looked great and had some great performances, and despite a couple of creepy images it was about as scary as Doctor Who at its scariest, and less gory than the goriest episodes of Buffy, or the new Chucky TV series. I did love this shout out to my corner of the world and the town my parents call home:

It's an old gag, but it lands well here! As far as I know it's legal to share clips of movies if you comment on them like this, but I'd love a cease and desist, so e-mail me for my address if you're a fancy Hollywood lawyer and want to send me one. The ball's in your court!

WHAT HAS MADE ME HAPPY RECENTLY?

 I realise the last couple of posts have been kind of a downer, and so I wanted to share some things that picked me up during my long absence. Truth be told, I was intending on writing this yesterday, but ended up in a dead sleep for virtually the whole day (they woke me up for meals, I would wake up when my bladder needed emptying, otherwise I slept from 11pm Tuesday to 4.30am Thursday with little else to show for it. My sleep schedule here is erratic; sometimes I stay up all night with a catnap in the afternoon the following day; after too many of those the Sandman takes me off for an extended stay. Luckily, today happens to be Thanksgiving, so that was kind of fortuitous! Yay!

The main thing that motivated me and was the inspiration for picking this blog up again was a self-help book, that had a ton of good common sense advice with examples rooted in world history. It's called the Bible, motherfuckers, and you'll wish you'd read it too when Satan is jizzing hornets up your stretched out asshole with his veiny, three-headed cock.

WARNING: May cause dilation of the pupils, discoloration of the cheeks, mental illness including strong belief in fictional beings and irrational distrust of scientific fact.

Nah, not really! Can you imagine?! I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't really read much more than the regular blogs. And some very text heavy games, if that counts. Because I'm wearing a mask most of the time and lying pretty flat, it's hard to read a regular book or comic. Gaming is better if I've been repositioned on my bed correctly, but the warm embrace of television is there on tap twenty-four hours a day. Maybe that would be a good place to start off my recent recommendations with.

TV Shows

Getaway Driver: This eight part gameshow, hosted by Michelle Rodriguez and streaming on Discovery+, is such simple genius I imagine it was conceived of years ago and technology has only just made it possible, with drones and go-pro cameras making it possible to follow high speed action for little cost. The premise is simple: three drivers take their own cars to a 40 acre compound, and Michelle Rodriguez gives them each $2,000. If they can make it to one of two unmarked exits before being stopped by two expert drivers then they get to keep the cash. If their hot rod gets fucked, well, better luck next time! The two that do best then do it all again at night, with some roads closed off, three experts, and one exit. The fastest to make it out gets $5,000 and the chance to race again the next night, if they want to. It's high risk, low reward, but the racers are generally likeable characters in it for the bragging rights as much as the cheddar. If you don't give a fuck about swearing then I'd have thought it would be great family viewing over the holidays; who doesn't like car chases?

3%: I should probably preface this by saying I like pretty much any scripted TV show or film where players are trying to figure out how to beat a game! And by extension but with varied results how to break out of prison, pull off a con or a heist, cheat on a test etc. I really liked the Sony Escape Room movies the first time I saw them, and enjoy the Saw franchise way more than I should (and the spin-off, Spiral, with Chris Rock and Samuel L Jackson was a delight - a Saw movie with great actors effortlessly giving great over-the-top performances? Yes please!). I started watching Squid Game the day it came out,enjoyed it, but couldn't believe how it caught on!

In one of several "Shows to watch if you liked Squid Game" articles I read about a Brazillian show called 3% that fits that genre perfectly. Fortunately it's on Netflix. A story told over four seasons, it was set in a future where a city was on the verge of collapse as there wasn't enough resources to go around. A Process was established that anyone who turns 20 can apply for, and only the top 3% pass. These Elite people travel by submarine to The Offshore, which is a futuristic sci-fi paradise, with cures to disease, no money, advanced tech, plenty of food etc. The rest go back to The Inland, which is basically a slum. We start by following Process 105 in the first season, but just about every episode has a different game or challenge, whether it's part of the Process or an Inland gang initiation or whatever. Also, big ethical questions are raised, which are also my jam.

A CARE HOME THAT CARES?

Yesterday I had a visit with someone from Adult Social Care, the first I've had since moving to this shithole nine months ago. She's going to raise a safeguarding concern in the county that's funding my stay due to their terrible handling of my hamster heart episodes. My occupational therapist is raising one about the lack of repositioning, so hopefully they'll get me out of here soon!

The Adult Social Care lady also set up an online meeting between me, the care home manger, my housing officer, my occupational therapist, and herself, in order to discuss some complaints I've raised (the hamster heart treatment, the repositioning, the lack of Wi-Fi, the absence of a blood pressure cuff).

On a completely unrelated note (!) today was the first time in nine months the care home followed my care plan, hoisting me in the air to change my and repositioning me every two hours. They're using an old pregnancy pillow instead of the fancy decubitus the OT asked them to buy, and J can certainly feel the difference, but it's better than nothing! They even remade my breakfast sandwich because they used white bread instead of brown (The brown bread's all right, the white is over-processed, tasteless, bleached shit) and told me to let them know if I needed any other changes to my meals! I've been repositioned four times today, which is great because the previous one was literally three or four weeks ago (I remember it was a Sunday, I just don't remember which.

Of course, nothing in this place ever goes quite right. They started with the cushion under my right side for two hours to straighten me out, which was fine, and then left me on my back unsupported for two hours to ensure there are no pressure sores, which is also fine. They then put the pillow under my left side, so I was tipped over more to the right than usual. I couldn't even look at my laptop screen in this position - I'm holding my Amazon tablet dead in front of me as I type this and it's literally at an angle of 45°. All my weight is on my neck and the top half of my right arm. My right ear is touching the bedsheet. I told them that I need to be laid straight, but Ruth the head carer was adamant this is how repositioning works - with you on your right side, then your back, then your left side, then your back, and so on and so forth!

I appreciate that is probably how it works with most people, but with my spondylitis the last thing I need is to be spending a quarter of my time pushed further over to the right than I naturally am anyway. I've e-mailed my occupational therapist and hope common sense will prevail. Annoyingly, the day shift went home without removing the pillow and setting me flat, and the night staff carer didn't want to take the pillow out on her owm, so I pulled it out myself after being extra off kilter for three hours. I'm sure the OT is going to go ape shit!

HAIRCUT 💯, BUT NO FANTASTIC DAY

 Hello Malcontents! Another checking in article, I'm afraid!

Still sleeping a lot, still suffering from mastisis. I really don't mean to moan every time I come on here, I wish I had more good news, even something as daft as my new, unending love for The Leprechaun's Game! But over the weekend I've developed an ear infection, and that is occupying a lot of my mental bandwidth! I can hear the blood pulsing in my ear, and it's always full of fluid. Not great!

Unfortunately this happened when the worst nurse, Sue, is on shift. She's lazy to the point where it's borderline negligent. When it's not her shift I get all my morning tablets at around 7am. When she's working I get them at around 10am. I was taken to hospital in December with a case of supra ventricular tachycardia. The paramedics were complaining about her in the ambulance, one of them called her "obstructive!" One of them asked her for my medical notes and she told them "in a minute!" My heart was beating at around 265bpm, I needed drugs injected to get it beating normally. It's best not to keep the paramedics waiting!

I had another incident of SVT earlier in the year. The carers I reported it to went to find her on foot rather than ringing the emergency bell. It was twenty minutes after reporting it that she came to see me, at which point I had reset my pulse by raising my legs and controlling my breath; fortunately it was a mild attack. The worst attack I had didn't reset after being given the drugs and I was being prepared to have my heart reset electronically. I had to sign the paperwork acknowledging this could kill me, and the anesthetist came to measure my throat for a breathing tube. Fortunately my body reset itself just in time and I was able to shake the anesthetist's hand and that was all. So when it does hit I need it taken seriously, and when Sue did turn up and didn't even have an oximeter; I had to wait for her to finish her drug round and come back with one. It was genuinely terrible care. The head carer reported the carers I told for failing to uphold their duty of care when they didn't ring the emergency bell, but nothing ever came of it.

So yeah, Sue's not the one you want in your corner when things start breaking bad. Yesterday she took ten minutes out of my parents visitation time to explain that there was no progress getting hold of a physiotherapist. She said they were busy seeing other people, and I explained that I realised that, and that I have been waiting over eight months. She said that the physiotherapists wanted to see me losing weight, and I pointed out that I'd made some serious changes to my diet since arriving here but above nobody has weighed me since my arrival in October I don't know how much progress I've made. She said the GO said there were exercises I could do in bed, and I told her I've been moving my legs as much as possible, but it's different from having somebody help lift them, or putting their arm there to push against, or putting a slide sheet under the legs and monitoring the movement. I literally said that she was a nurse and I didn't understand why I had to explain this to her. In the end my parents just thanked her and sent her off and then told me how frustrating they found her behind her back. Anything to avoid a scene!

THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN THE LEPRECHAUN'S GAME

 Hello Mal-Pals! Those of you who familiar with my blog know that it has two primary functions: To showcase some of the dirty fiction I write to entertain myself and my friend Strict Julie, and as a dumping ground for whatever is taking up space in my noggin. Well, that's all about to change, as this blog is now a dedicated stan site for 2020's video nasty The Leprechaun's Game!

Scary! The leprechaun in the movie is actually blonde, which is less effective.

I watched this movie in the wee hours of this morning and found myself utterly delighted by it! Most modern horror is slow, generic and not worth your time. The few real stand outs of recent years are either weighed down with a horrible depressing backstory, usually involving the death of a kid, or are coated with a level of irony or silliness as if the makers need to reassure watchers that they're in on the joke and their film shouldn't be taken seriously. It's refreshing to see someone step up to the plate and swing for the fences, even if they do completely biff it!

I  never watch trailers as I find they always detract from my enjoyment of the film. I decided to watch this based purely on the misleading official synopsis, the intriguing poster, and a couple of details hinting that this film wouldn't be bad in the sense that it was a time wasting drudgery, but would hit that "so bad it's good" sweet spot where the film's flaws are entertaining enough to elevate the film above your average slasher or mediocre studio comedy. Plus, horror is a strange genre; even the lamest grindhouse flick can have a concept or special effect that stays with you after the credits roll.

The main thing that intrigued me was that the film has a running time of exactly eighty minutes. I don't know about you, but to me that screams "minimum viable product," someone determined to fulfil the necessary requirements for a feature length film without worrying too much about things like quality acting or realistic dialogue. "Servicable" seems to be the kindest adjective to describe most elements of this schlockfest! I was also tempted by the unheard actors that made up the British cast and the fact that the film was released elsewhere as "Vengeance of the Leprechaun" and "Vengeance of the Leprechaun's Gold." I honestly enjoyed every minute of it. The trailer gives you some idea of the gold you can find if you follow this particular rainbow:

The official synopsis doesn't really do the plot justice. Spoliers ahead! Here is the editorial review Amazon has for the film:

After a bunch of thieves are sent out to hunt urban legends, they steal the gold of a leprechaun, only to find there is a steep price to pay.

MOXIE, REPRESNTATION AND THE RISE OF JOSIE TOTAH

I saw Netflix feminism 101 movie Moxie a couple of weeks ago, and found it enjoyable, though lighter on the laughs than you might expect from a film directed by Any Poehler. It does have plenty of heart and as well as trying to pass on the riot grrrl torch to a new generation it has a solid message promoting empathy and pointing out injustice. I've studied philosophy and sociology, and really don't understand why anyone would rationally be anti-feminist. Like, I get why you wouldn't march for it, or make it one of your core values; I can identify with being lazy and self-interested or just having no time or not giving a fuck. I get that. But all feminism really boils down to is giving women a fair shake and ensuring they are afforded the same opportunities as men. It's not a zero-sum game; making things better for women doesn't mean making things worse for men. To actively oppose feminism as a concept seems insane to me.

I'm going to lay some major plot points for Moxie, but it's not the sort of film that relies on big twists or action set pieces, its power comes from the charming performances and the realistic dialogue. The film focuses on a white girl named Vivian who is used to just standing by and keeping her head down when the boys in the school act like immature assholes and misogynists, going so far as to tell new black girl Lucy to just avoid antagonizing popular athlete Mitchell after she sees Mitchell take Lucy's drink from a vending machine, open it up and spit in it. Lucy tells Vivian her reluctance to speak up is part of the problem and encourages her to toughen up.

Oh no, did the tampon store close early?

Mitchell is a great villain, he's smart enough to avoid getting noticed by the teachers, framing his shooting down Lucy in class as lively debate, using social media to attack the girls anonymously outside of school, and endearing himself to the school by being a great athlete. He knows how to work the faculty; represented by Principal Shelley and by English teacher Mr Davis. His reluctance to weigh in clearly comes from a desire to keep his job and the fact that it's hard enough getting a bunch of teenagers to critically analyse The Great Gatsby without carving out time to engage in a battle of the sexes. When Lucy questions why they're supposed to read another book written by a straight white male and Mitchell defends it as an American classic it's easy to see why the teacher sides with Mitchell. Ike Barinholtz nails the character's frustrated adherence to the status quo, he probably didn't have much say in the curriculum and just wants to get through the day. It's not even apathy, he has limited time to do a thankless job.

DENIED HELP

 A man calls in to work, and says he can't come in because he's sick. His boss says "Really? How sick are you?"

The man says "You tell me, I've just fucked my retarded daughter."

I'm telling you this joke because I received a letter on Saturday afternoon that took the wind right out of my sails. I was in good spirits on Saturday morning, feeling relatively healthy having overcome a small medical malady on Thursday and having a fantastically dirty time on r/dirtypenpals. That all changed when I got a letter from the local mental health team that left me wondering how sick I needed to be.

The letter essentially is letting me know that they're not interested in helping me, despite all the pro-active ideas they had in the room when they saw me. It literally says "As your current issues with your mental health are based very much on your situation, we are unable to provide any support until you have made steps towards changing your situation. We feel that at this time your needs are most appropriately met by weight management services and we would encourage you to work with them towards discharge from [your care home] and getting back into your own property. At this point if you are still struggling with your mental health, you can be re-referred back into mental health services."

FIRMLY OUT THERE NOW!

Hey there Mal-Pals!

Haven't really done a lot over the past couple of days besides sleep lots and experience limited success on various dating websites, so I thought I'd come back to that. My sleep patterns are weird, I sleep less than average, and there are definitely nights when I just don't feel tired and just keep doing what I'm doing and then suddenly it's breakfast. Because I live in a care home they check on me every two hours throughout the night, so I leave a lamp on 24/7. The last couple of days I've been pretty tired and napped a lot and I'm hoping it's just sleep catching up to me and not an infection coming. Guess we'll see!

Last weekend I watched HBO Max series Soulmates and this weekend I plan on watching Netflix series The One. Both shows have the same premise: What if there were a scientific way of determining your perfect partner. It seems that true romance in the 2020s is elusive enough to classify as science fiction. That said, I signed up to a couple more dating websites; here are my first impressions:

I LOVE NATE: THOUGHTS ON CONSENT & THE MOST DAMAGING THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WATCH, AND WHY I CARE

For today's entry I decided to take a break from thinking of filth and sharing nightmares from my past and instead finish a post I started writing right back when I began this blog, In the opening of my very first post I called the BBC America show The Watch "terrible," and as I began to share my feelings I realised I had enough to say about it to warrant a separate entry on the topic. It's not all negative though, I want to share a few franchises that influenced me growing up that will always have a place in my heart.

DOMINANT BITCH QUEENED BY HIGH SCHOOL PRINCESSES

 I'm going to try something a little different in today's post. For the past few days I've been idly picturing a situation in which a confident woman finds herself helpless to the whims of some much younger girls. In case you're worried, all photos I'll be sharing are publicity stills for the Clare Fonda network so everyone featured is at least 18 years old. I've always had a hard rule (one of a few!) about only fantasising about women my age or older. As I've stated before I started late in the game, not even thinking about schoolgirls as sexual creatures when I was at school. I've dropped many self-imposed limits recently in the name of following my bliss, and so this fantasy was inspired by the fiercely sex-positive TikTok stars I saw in this post from the fantastic writer (and terrible influence) Strict Julie.