WHAT HAS MADE ME HAPPY RECENTLY?

 I realise the last couple of posts have been kind of a downer, and so I wanted to share some things that picked me up during my long absence. Truth be told, I was intending on writing this yesterday, but ended up in a dead sleep for virtually the whole day (they woke me up for meals, I would wake up when my bladder needed emptying, otherwise I slept from 11pm Tuesday to 4.30am Thursday with little else to show for it. My sleep schedule here is erratic; sometimes I stay up all night with a catnap in the afternoon the following day; after too many of those the Sandman takes me off for an extended stay. Luckily, today happens to be Thanksgiving, so that was kind of fortuitous! Yay!

The main thing that motivated me and was the inspiration for picking this blog up again was a self-help book, that had a ton of good common sense advice with examples rooted in world history. It's called the Bible, motherfuckers, and you'll wish you'd read it too when Satan is jizzing hornets up your stretched out asshole with his veiny, three-headed cock.

WARNING: May cause dilation of the pupils, discoloration of the cheeks, mental illness including strong belief in fictional beings and irrational distrust of scientific fact.

Nah, not really! Can you imagine?! I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't really read much more than the regular blogs. And some very text heavy games, if that counts. Because I'm wearing a mask most of the time and lying pretty flat, it's hard to read a regular book or comic. Gaming is better if I've been repositioned on my bed correctly, but the warm embrace of television is there on tap twenty-four hours a day. Maybe that would be a good place to start off my recent recommendations with.

TV Shows

Getaway Driver: This eight part gameshow, hosted by Michelle Rodriguez and streaming on Discovery+, is such simple genius I imagine it was conceived of years ago and technology has only just made it possible, with drones and go-pro cameras making it possible to follow high speed action for little cost. The premise is simple: three drivers take their own cars to a 40 acre compound, and Michelle Rodriguez gives them each $2,000. If they can make it to one of two unmarked exits before being stopped by two expert drivers then they get to keep the cash. If their hot rod gets fucked, well, better luck next time! The two that do best then do it all again at night, with some roads closed off, three experts, and one exit. The fastest to make it out gets $5,000 and the chance to race again the next night, if they want to. It's high risk, low reward, but the racers are generally likeable characters in it for the bragging rights as much as the cheddar. If you don't give a fuck about swearing then I'd have thought it would be great family viewing over the holidays; who doesn't like car chases?

3%: I should probably preface this by saying I like pretty much any scripted TV show or film where players are trying to figure out how to beat a game! And by extension but with varied results how to break out of prison, pull off a con or a heist, cheat on a test etc. I really liked the Sony Escape Room movies the first time I saw them, and enjoy the Saw franchise way more than I should (and the spin-off, Spiral, with Chris Rock and Samuel L Jackson was a delight - a Saw movie with great actors effortlessly giving great over-the-top performances? Yes please!). I started watching Squid Game the day it came out,enjoyed it, but couldn't believe how it caught on!

In one of several "Shows to watch if you liked Squid Game" articles I read about a Brazillian show called 3% that fits that genre perfectly. Fortunately it's on Netflix. A story told over four seasons, it was set in a future where a city was on the verge of collapse as there wasn't enough resources to go around. A Process was established that anyone who turns 20 can apply for, and only the top 3% pass. These Elite people travel by submarine to The Offshore, which is a futuristic sci-fi paradise, with cures to disease, no money, advanced tech, plenty of food etc. The rest go back to The Inland, which is basically a slum. We start by following Process 105 in the first season, but just about every episode has a different game or challenge, whether it's part of the Process or an Inland gang initiation or whatever. Also, big ethical questions are raised, which are also my jam.

A CARE HOME THAT CARES?

Yesterday I had a visit with someone from Adult Social Care, the first I've had since moving to this shithole nine months ago. She's going to raise a safeguarding concern in the county that's funding my stay due to their terrible handling of my hamster heart episodes. My occupational therapist is raising one about the lack of repositioning, so hopefully they'll get me out of here soon!

The Adult Social Care lady also set up an online meeting between me, the care home manger, my housing officer, my occupational therapist, and herself, in order to discuss some complaints I've raised (the hamster heart treatment, the repositioning, the lack of Wi-Fi, the absence of a blood pressure cuff).

On a completely unrelated note (!) today was the first time in nine months the care home followed my care plan, hoisting me in the air to change my and repositioning me every two hours. They're using an old pregnancy pillow instead of the fancy decubitus the OT asked them to buy, and J can certainly feel the difference, but it's better than nothing! They even remade my breakfast sandwich because they used white bread instead of brown (The brown bread's all right, the white is over-processed, tasteless, bleached shit) and told me to let them know if I needed any other changes to my meals! I've been repositioned four times today, which is great because the previous one was literally three or four weeks ago (I remember it was a Sunday, I just don't remember which.

Of course, nothing in this place ever goes quite right. They started with the cushion under my right side for two hours to straighten me out, which was fine, and then left me on my back unsupported for two hours to ensure there are no pressure sores, which is also fine. They then put the pillow under my left side, so I was tipped over more to the right than usual. I couldn't even look at my laptop screen in this position - I'm holding my Amazon tablet dead in front of me as I type this and it's literally at an angle of 45°. All my weight is on my neck and the top half of my right arm. My right ear is touching the bedsheet. I told them that I need to be laid straight, but Ruth the head carer was adamant this is how repositioning works - with you on your right side, then your back, then your left side, then your back, and so on and so forth!

I appreciate that is probably how it works with most people, but with my spondylitis the last thing I need is to be spending a quarter of my time pushed further over to the right than I naturally am anyway. I've e-mailed my occupational therapist and hope common sense will prevail. Annoyingly, the day shift went home without removing the pillow and setting me flat, and the night staff carer didn't want to take the pillow out on her owm, so I pulled it out myself after being extra off kilter for three hours. I'm sure the OT is going to go ape shit!

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME SIX

Six weeks since I got my second COVID vaccine and I'm doing fine! Please get yours too.P

Appearing on Chopped 420 to "tell your friends all over that ganja is medicinal and you can use it to enhance the quality of your life" is like appearing of Songs of Praise to let people know about our saviour, Jesus Christ.

I imagine Songs of Praise is one show that really had to switch it up when COVID happened!

I am learning a lot from Chopped 420 though; who'd have thought that Ron Funches smoked weed?

What are the odds on a kid called Laganja Estranja growing up to become a cannabis rights activist?

Can you get a contact high watching people cook with weed or am I feeling the effects of my whiskey and morphine? #AnswersOnAPostcardPlease!

Words, Santa, Moms, Grandpa, Moms Christmas, Parents, Education, Santa 2, Teacher - My ranking of the Bad comedies.

So there's a Time Lord named The Doctor and another named The Master. Does that imply there's another called The Bachelor? Or The Drop-Out? I like to think he'd have the coolest TARDIS.

In 33 years I've only had two people tell me they thought I might be autistic. One was my closest, most honest confidant and the other was a mental health doctor I was struggling to express myself to in hospital. Still, not enough data to form a pattern!

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME FIVE

I know it's been around forever, but is the name of the show The Amazing Race supposed to be a play on the song Amazing Grace? And is it a show about white people?

This Is Us, This Is My House, This Is A Robbery... How about This Is An Entertaining TV Show, huh folks? #IsThisThingOn?

One in three teachers plan to quit, says National Education Union survey. I guess the other two lack ambition?

Idea for a cooking show: Ordinary people are given a year to learn how to make one simple dish, stuff like burger, fries and coleslaw; eggs, bacon and toast; jacket potato with cheese and butter. They can spend the year researching and travelling and sampling the world's best ingredients. Whoever does best wins $1,000,000, the show is called million dollar meal!

Tonight on Apple TV: A very special episode of Doug Unplugs find Doug put in a difficult position when his best friend Emma needs life support.

I'd love to see a map of Britain coloured by what percentage of teenagers in each area know how to fuck a sheep. Is it something that all kids learn or is it just those in the rural areas? Who's looking into how that knowledge is spread?

I'm enjoying the reboot of Kung Fu. It's good to see a woman in a role that would traditionally have gone to a panda.

Can't believe HBO gave Mark Wahlberg a documentary about his business dealings, and not his teenage years as a violent racist PCP addled bully and thug who was convicted for attempted murder but only spent 45 days in jail after being given a two-year sentence, asking some of his former victims how they feel about him becoming the world's highest paid movie star. That I'd watch.

Whoever coined the phrase "nursing a drink" obviously never spent a night out with actual nurses.

MOXIE, REPRESNTATION AND THE RISE OF JOSIE TOTAH

I saw Netflix feminism 101 movie Moxie a couple of weeks ago, and found it enjoyable, though lighter on the laughs than you might expect from a film directed by Any Poehler. It does have plenty of heart and as well as trying to pass on the riot grrrl torch to a new generation it has a solid message promoting empathy and pointing out injustice. I've studied philosophy and sociology, and really don't understand why anyone would rationally be anti-feminist. Like, I get why you wouldn't march for it, or make it one of your core values; I can identify with being lazy and self-interested or just having no time or not giving a fuck. I get that. But all feminism really boils down to is giving women a fair shake and ensuring they are afforded the same opportunities as men. It's not a zero-sum game; making things better for women doesn't mean making things worse for men. To actively oppose feminism as a concept seems insane to me.

I'm going to lay some major plot points for Moxie, but it's not the sort of film that relies on big twists or action set pieces, its power comes from the charming performances and the realistic dialogue. The film focuses on a white girl named Vivian who is used to just standing by and keeping her head down when the boys in the school act like immature assholes and misogynists, going so far as to tell new black girl Lucy to just avoid antagonizing popular athlete Mitchell after she sees Mitchell take Lucy's drink from a vending machine, open it up and spit in it. Lucy tells Vivian her reluctance to speak up is part of the problem and encourages her to toughen up.

Oh no, did the tampon store close early?

Mitchell is a great villain, he's smart enough to avoid getting noticed by the teachers, framing his shooting down Lucy in class as lively debate, using social media to attack the girls anonymously outside of school, and endearing himself to the school by being a great athlete. He knows how to work the faculty; represented by Principal Shelley and by English teacher Mr Davis. His reluctance to weigh in clearly comes from a desire to keep his job and the fact that it's hard enough getting a bunch of teenagers to critically analyse The Great Gatsby without carving out time to engage in a battle of the sexes. When Lucy questions why they're supposed to read another book written by a straight white male and Mitchell defends it as an American classic it's easy to see why the teacher sides with Mitchell. Ike Barinholtz nails the character's frustrated adherence to the status quo, he probably didn't have much say in the curriculum and just wants to get through the day. It's not even apathy, he has limited time to do a thankless job.

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME FOUR

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, but it isn't revealed that the regular folk have been pranked. Six months later two Men In Black figures show up, take the prank victims to a detention centre and interrogate them, asking what they remember happening, if they stayed in contact with the other victim, if they sought counselling, etc. Only then does the kid from Stranger Things reveal they're on his prank show.

Never got why it's the norm for game show hosts to ask how the contestants would spend the money if they won; it's so patronising and rarely interesting. Imagine if your boss asked you how you were planning on spending your paycheck. It would be weird!

My great-grandfather was a proud Cornish miner, like many were around these parts, and actually invented strip-mining. Obviously it was a little different to how it's done today, when he did it whoever was last to fill up a bucket with tin had to take off an item of clothing.

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, except the prank isn't revealed until the stooges have worked at their pointless jobs for months, becoming close to the actors and thinking they're learning valuable job skills. One day their office or factory or whatever is attacked by chupacabras or creatures from the black lagoon, and the kid from Stranger Things reveals they've wasted weeks of their lives doing meaningless menial labour.

Just started watching The Handmaid's Tale and it's pretty rough. It did occur to me, and I'm aware that I'm courting controversy here, but it might actually be a pretty good set up for some of the men?

Is anyone else pretentious enough to pronounce "blogspot" to rhyme with "blog slow," dropping the t like the French do? Or are JK Rowling and I the only two assholes that do that?

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, only you focus on one guy for the whole season. The first episode he's scared out of his mind, but he becomes more and more annoyed when every time he goes for a job interview the kid from Stranger Things tries to convince him something paranormal is going on. He tries to file a restraining order but the court is attacked by yetis. The kid from Stranger Things reveals he's being pranked once again.

The best part of being a rockstar has to be the rider; imagine if every time you showed up for work they had to give you a bottle of Talisker and a dozen devilled eggs. Keep the sex and drugs, I'd do it for the sausage rolls.

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, but the kid from Stranger Things books paranormal investigators to explore offices, factories etc. When they turn up it's just a bunch of actors pretending to work regular jobs.

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME THREE

Swiped right on a girl because her profile was written in Comic Sans. You know the type.

You know who's a great husband? Superman, on Superman & Lois, Tuesdays on the CW.

I wish the girls from Good Girls could party with the moms from Workin' Moms. Imagine the hijinks that would ensue!

Every week the activities coordinator here gives me a schedule of activities held in the common room, and every week one of the cleaners throws it away, pointing out I can't take part in any of them. It's nice to feel included and seen.

Every time I write Ms Julie on my tablet auto-correct changes it to Me Julie. I'm not Tanki G!

Looked up Andrew WK on Genius lyrics, turns out the dude just loves to party!

I'll tell you who are really great parents, and it's Superman and Lois, on Superman & Lois, Tuesdays on the CW.

Snapshot of The Irregulars on Netflix: A conspicuously interracial group of Victorian urchins observe gruesome demonic activity, saying things like "What the actual fuck, you bellend?" whilst Sherlock Holmes shoots up, pukes and collapses off-screen. #SixSeasonsAndAMovie!

When you send your mum money and there's not enough space to write "Illegal Money Laundering:"

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME TWO

 It's Superman & Lois, not Superman & Steve.

Crumblr: A new app that will totally disrupt the apple-based dessert industry.

I have absolutely got depressed and binge watched Malcom in the Middle enough to be considered for the Avengers. Wanda Maximoff is the hero I didn't know I needed.

Genuinely just seen the following TV show listed - "Shut-ins: Britain's Fattest People - Where Are They Now?" I don't want to seem insensitive but... still shut inside, presumably?

Befriending a cowardly lion is a great idea as long as you never have to sleep.

You know who's a great dad? Superman, on Superman & Lois, Tuesdays on the CW.

I thought my drinking problem was bad, but I've got to the point where I'm craving new episodes of Bar Rescue more than actual alcohol.

Clarice Starling may ruffle the feathers of those pencil pushers at the Bureau, but she's a darn fine agent and she gets results, damn it!

Call me crazy but I would forego desserts for the rest of my life if I could have well-cooked eggs whenever I wanted! So underrated. #EggsPlease!

I LOVE NATE: THOUGHTS ON CONSENT & THE MOST DAMAGING THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME

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WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WATCH, AND WHY I CARE

For today's entry I decided to take a break from thinking of filth and sharing nightmares from my past and instead finish a post I started writing right back when I began this blog, In the opening of my very first post I called the BBC America show The Watch "terrible," and as I began to share my feelings I realised I had enough to say about it to warrant a separate entry on the topic. It's not all negative though, I want to share a few franchises that influenced me growing up that will always have a place in my heart.

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME ONE

To sleep, perchance to not feel so fucking tired all day?

First there was Black-ish, then there was Grown-ish, now there's Mixed-ish - I'm waiting for them to make Flemish-ish!

Kelis' hook from Got Your Money is definitely the earworm-iest recording of a streetwalker trying to assuage her pimp. I'm struggling to think of one that comes close!

Next person to bring up CryptoArt to me is getting uploaded into a CryptoCrypt!

Saw Young Rock and it's a blatant rip off of my spec script, Old Magma. (REAL TALK: The show is super cheesy and coasts on The Rock's charisma. The dialogue is super unsubtle, like Young Rock grew up in an alternate universe where subtext didn't exist, but it's full of heart and there were a few solid jokes in there. Also, I love that 15 year old Rock is portrayed by an actor who looks twice that age; like John C Reilly playing 14 year old Dewey Cox in Walk Hard or, for the kinksters amongst you, the delectable Julie Benz playing a diaper-clad high-schooler despite being 30 in The Bad Girls of Valley High. It's not the best film (quelle surprise!) but it features a scene where she wets herself in a supermarket whilst buying diapers from Chris D'Elia. Plus Aaron Paul plays a nerd character so broad that Screech would call him a dork!)

I programmed my Xbox controller to vibrate non-stop and now it's more of a joystick! #TruthInComedy

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If someone bedridden tells you they're about to start physiotherapy, don't joke about how you expect to see them running around or doing cartwheels. You will sound like an asshole.

I've heard of a Resident Nurse or a Resident Advisor but a Resident Alien? This I gotta see!!! (REAL TALK: You should see it too. It gets a little cheesy, but Alan Tudyk and Alice Wetterlund are nailing it!)

Asking someone taking anxiety medicine if they are experiencing any side effects without telling them what those side effects might be is rather counterproductive. #QuackQuackOops!