HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN, JIGGETY-JIG! PLUS: ONLINE SHENANIGANS!

So I've been sent home again! How do I feel about that? Well, I've just bought, pretty much on a whim, the embodiment of sadness, paying €20 to have her shipped from France. That may give you some idea!

They only made these for Sadness and Rage! I guess they've done their market research. 

She's not a toy, she's a "soft sculpture." I am not a CHILD, thank you very much!

The hospital was kind of a waste of time. I spent a lot of time in the hospital between December 2018 and March 2020, when COVID hit. I've been in twice since. Beforehand I was occasionally kept in for little reasons. I spent a few extra days one visit because my temperature would flare up at night. I had no other symptoms and it would be normal during the day, but that one spike would keep me in for 24 hours extra. A few times I've spent an extra night because the ambulance crew were too busy to take me home! Sometimes I've been discharged by a doctor during Monday rounds - if there was a doctor working Saturday or Sunday I could have gone home then. And of course, I was well enough to go home for a couple of months in early 2019, I just didn't have a home to go to! A place in a care home opened up, and then after seven weeks (six in care, one back in hospital!) I moved into a "temporary" flat, and I've been living there since! All my staff's there now, though I spend my days in a care home in a different county.

Things are very different since COVID. There's no waiting in hospital on a stretcher until a bed's ready, instead they wait in the ambulance until the bed is available in the right place, and wheel you right there. No waiting in limbo for the right ward to admit you, and they'll send you out as soon as you can bear it! It's a very different experience.

On my last visit I had a room to myself in what used to be the room they used to knock kids out before surgery. It was now partly used for storage,, but you could see old paintings that I guess we're meant to relax the young'uns. I had suffered an SVT attack but was now fine, so they just stuck me in whatever ward had a spare isolated room overnight whilst they waited for transport. It was not the best night's sleep, but I left the next morning.

This time around I was transferred from Majors, which is where they assess you first, to another ward at twenty minutes to one in the night! They don't serve food or drink in the Majors, except with medicine, and by the time they moved me I was sleeping anyway, though eager for a drink!

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME SIX

Six weeks since I got my second COVID vaccine and I'm doing fine! Please get yours too.P

Appearing on Chopped 420 to "tell your friends all over that ganja is medicinal and you can use it to enhance the quality of your life" is like appearing of Songs of Praise to let people know about our saviour, Jesus Christ.

I imagine Songs of Praise is one show that really had to switch it up when COVID happened!

I am learning a lot from Chopped 420 though; who'd have thought that Ron Funches smoked weed?

What are the odds on a kid called Laganja Estranja growing up to become a cannabis rights activist?

Can you get a contact high watching people cook with weed or am I feeling the effects of my whiskey and morphine? #AnswersOnAPostcardPlease!

Words, Santa, Moms, Grandpa, Moms Christmas, Parents, Education, Santa 2, Teacher - My ranking of the Bad comedies.

So there's a Time Lord named The Doctor and another named The Master. Does that imply there's another called The Bachelor? Or The Drop-Out? I like to think he'd have the coolest TARDIS.

In 33 years I've only had two people tell me they thought I might be autistic. One was my closest, most honest confidant and the other was a mental health doctor I was struggling to express myself to in hospital. Still, not enough data to form a pattern!

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME FIVE

I know it's been around forever, but is the name of the show The Amazing Race supposed to be a play on the song Amazing Grace? And is it a show about white people?

This Is Us, This Is My House, This Is A Robbery... How about This Is An Entertaining TV Show, huh folks? #IsThisThingOn?

One in three teachers plan to quit, says National Education Union survey. I guess the other two lack ambition?

Idea for a cooking show: Ordinary people are given a year to learn how to make one simple dish, stuff like burger, fries and coleslaw; eggs, bacon and toast; jacket potato with cheese and butter. They can spend the year researching and travelling and sampling the world's best ingredients. Whoever does best wins $1,000,000, the show is called million dollar meal!

Tonight on Apple TV: A very special episode of Doug Unplugs find Doug put in a difficult position when his best friend Emma needs life support.

I'd love to see a map of Britain coloured by what percentage of teenagers in each area know how to fuck a sheep. Is it something that all kids learn or is it just those in the rural areas? Who's looking into how that knowledge is spread?

I'm enjoying the reboot of Kung Fu. It's good to see a woman in a role that would traditionally have gone to a panda.

Can't believe HBO gave Mark Wahlberg a documentary about his business dealings, and not his teenage years as a violent racist PCP addled bully and thug who was convicted for attempted murder but only spent 45 days in jail after being given a two-year sentence, asking some of his former victims how they feel about him becoming the world's highest paid movie star. That I'd watch.

Whoever coined the phrase "nursing a drink" obviously never spent a night out with actual nurses.

STRICT JULIE'S FINAL ANAL DISCIPLINE AND HUMILIATION!

Earlier today my close personal friend, the sophisticate, wordsmith and trainee streetwalker Julie, of Strict Julie Spanks, commented on Sunday's alternate ending to the final chapter in her anal training trilogy. I posted it hoping to both whet her appetite and get a little rise out of her. I know how much she disliked the ending to my original story in which she asked her sister for help with marital arts, calling it "stoopid" publicly in my comment section and complaining about it to me via e-mail when I first sent it to her:

Very exciting! I enjoyed your story greatly (except for the 'ending" ☹️).

Though I think further sessions with Sue are called for, not just one and done.

I can imagine the txting and the blushing that results.

This was the sort of positive feedback I used to get from her, early on. Within a fortnight of swapping e-mails and starting my blog she announced her intentions of showing me off to the world. I'd never been so flattered! She sent me the following e-mail:

I want to create a post sending my readers over to your blog soon.

Is it ok if I use the (lightly edited) below story as a bit of an extra?

I knew exactly what would be lightly edited out first! Fair enough, I'd written it as a kind of joke, hanging a lampshade on the fact that I couldn't think of a particularly satisfying ending. I wrote her a sequel with a much stronger, sexier ending that had a little meta reference to the real Julie's dissatisfaction.

I had an idea in my head of how the second chapter would play out, but abandoned that when Julie was rather rude to me when we were discussing her real world punishment. That left me with an overabundance of sexy ideas to use in the final chapter. A further e-mail left me with a great idea on how to conclude my little trilogy. I had been planning on doubling down with another fantastical discovery, more ridiculous than the first. The ending was so ostentatious and absurd that I had trouble writing it, as I was convulsing with laughter and grinning so broadly I couldn't focus on the screen.

It's a good thing I write for my own amusement, because I found Julie's response to be disgusting, reeking of naked entitlement:

This new ending sounds about right. It's sort of what I expect from life, care home boy.

It's no secret to readers of her blog that Julie is loaded; her family has a second home, she and her husband pay for maids, personal trainers and high end sex workers. She just wrote about how she had her husband fuck her on a bed covered with five grand in cash. Little clues like that! Fair enough, she got an education, worked hard, married well, she has no dependants, more power to her! It doesn't mean she shouldn't be grateful, and certainly doesn't give her the right to take pot shots at those less fortunate.

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME FOUR

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, but it isn't revealed that the regular folk have been pranked. Six months later two Men In Black figures show up, take the prank victims to a detention centre and interrogate them, asking what they remember happening, if they stayed in contact with the other victim, if they sought counselling, etc. Only then does the kid from Stranger Things reveal they're on his prank show.

Never got why it's the norm for game show hosts to ask how the contestants would spend the money if they won; it's so patronising and rarely interesting. Imagine if your boss asked you how you were planning on spending your paycheck. It would be weird!

My great-grandfather was a proud Cornish miner, like many were around these parts, and actually invented strip-mining. Obviously it was a little different to how it's done today, when he did it whoever was last to fill up a bucket with tin had to take off an item of clothing.

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, except the prank isn't revealed until the stooges have worked at their pointless jobs for months, becoming close to the actors and thinking they're learning valuable job skills. One day their office or factory or whatever is attacked by chupacabras or creatures from the black lagoon, and the kid from Stranger Things reveals they've wasted weeks of their lives doing meaningless menial labour.

Just started watching The Handmaid's Tale and it's pretty rough. It did occur to me, and I'm aware that I'm courting controversy here, but it might actually be a pretty good set up for some of the men?

Is anyone else pretentious enough to pronounce "blogspot" to rhyme with "blog slow," dropping the t like the French do? Or are JK Rowling and I the only two assholes that do that?

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, only you focus on one guy for the whole season. The first episode he's scared out of his mind, but he becomes more and more annoyed when every time he goes for a job interview the kid from Stranger Things tries to convince him something paranormal is going on. He tries to file a restraining order but the court is attacked by yetis. The kid from Stranger Things reveals he's being pranked once again.

The best part of being a rockstar has to be the rider; imagine if every time you showed up for work they had to give you a bottle of Talisker and a dozen devilled eggs. Keep the sex and drugs, I'd do it for the sausage rolls.

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, but the kid from Stranger Things books paranormal investigators to explore offices, factories etc. When they turn up it's just a bunch of actors pretending to work regular jobs.

STRICT JULIE HUMILIATED ONCE MORE!

Hello Functionistas! My last blog post has already become my most popular one to date, thanks to a link from my friend and muse, Julie of Strict Julie Spanks. It's funny how more people read that story rather than the first post she linked to, I imagine it's because the first time round after the link she posted one of my stories as well as a graphic depiction of how she LARPed it with multiple sex toys, whilst this time she presented it as an alternative to hearing her prattle on about her philosophy on political analysis. Walter Cronkite never uploaded photos of himself naked jerking off, we don't need you trying to wrap your head around current affairs. Everyone stay in your lanes!

I'm kidding, of course. For what it's worth I found I've had some formal education in the philosophy of politics, though not in politics itself, and thought her opinions were common sense and apolitical, preaching scepticism as a general sensible approach, which is something I wholeheartedly agree with. Of course the comments immediately turned into a nest of vipers, with some opining that republicans lie more than democrats and others saying that democrats aren't called on for lying when they should be, or are confusing lying with figurative speaking and hyperbole. Oh well, can't blame a girl for trying!

Despite my joking I do like to know a bit about the deviants who write the blogs I follow! It's more interesting to me that these are real people with full lives rather than flimsy characters in a story. That said, if stories are what you're after I should mention that all my Strict Julie Fanfiction has been tagged as such, and that anything I've scribbled down that you might find titillating has been labelled "Pure Filth."

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME THREE

Swiped right on a girl because her profile was written in Comic Sans. You know the type.

You know who's a great husband? Superman, on Superman & Lois, Tuesdays on the CW.

I wish the girls from Good Girls could party with the moms from Workin' Moms. Imagine the hijinks that would ensue!

Every week the activities coordinator here gives me a schedule of activities held in the common room, and every week one of the cleaners throws it away, pointing out I can't take part in any of them. It's nice to feel included and seen.

Every time I write Ms Julie on my tablet auto-correct changes it to Me Julie. I'm not Tanki G!

Looked up Andrew WK on Genius lyrics, turns out the dude just loves to party!

I'll tell you who are really great parents, and it's Superman and Lois, on Superman & Lois, Tuesdays on the CW.

Snapshot of The Irregulars on Netflix: A conspicuously interracial group of Victorian urchins observe gruesome demonic activity, saying things like "What the actual fuck, you bellend?" whilst Sherlock Holmes shoots up, pukes and collapses off-screen. #SixSeasonsAndAMovie!

When you send your mum money and there's not enough space to write "Illegal Money Laundering:"

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME TWO

 It's Superman & Lois, not Superman & Steve.

Crumblr: A new app that will totally disrupt the apple-based dessert industry.

I have absolutely got depressed and binge watched Malcom in the Middle enough to be considered for the Avengers. Wanda Maximoff is the hero I didn't know I needed.

Genuinely just seen the following TV show listed - "Shut-ins: Britain's Fattest People - Where Are They Now?" I don't want to seem insensitive but... still shut inside, presumably?

Befriending a cowardly lion is a great idea as long as you never have to sleep.

You know who's a great dad? Superman, on Superman & Lois, Tuesdays on the CW.

I thought my drinking problem was bad, but I've got to the point where I'm craving new episodes of Bar Rescue more than actual alcohol.

Clarice Starling may ruffle the feathers of those pencil pushers at the Bureau, but she's a darn fine agent and she gets results, damn it!

Call me crazy but I would forego desserts for the rest of my life if I could have well-cooked eggs whenever I wanted! So underrated. #EggsPlease!

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME ONE

To sleep, perchance to not feel so fucking tired all day?

First there was Black-ish, then there was Grown-ish, now there's Mixed-ish - I'm waiting for them to make Flemish-ish!

Kelis' hook from Got Your Money is definitely the earworm-iest recording of a streetwalker trying to assuage her pimp. I'm struggling to think of one that comes close!

Next person to bring up CryptoArt to me is getting uploaded into a CryptoCrypt!

Saw Young Rock and it's a blatant rip off of my spec script, Old Magma. (REAL TALK: The show is super cheesy and coasts on The Rock's charisma. The dialogue is super unsubtle, like Young Rock grew up in an alternate universe where subtext didn't exist, but it's full of heart and there were a few solid jokes in there. Also, I love that 15 year old Rock is portrayed by an actor who looks twice that age; like John C Reilly playing 14 year old Dewey Cox in Walk Hard or, for the kinksters amongst you, the delectable Julie Benz playing a diaper-clad high-schooler despite being 30 in The Bad Girls of Valley High. It's not the best film (quelle surprise!) but it features a scene where she wets herself in a supermarket whilst buying diapers from Chris D'Elia. Plus Aaron Paul plays a nerd character so broad that Screech would call him a dork!)

I programmed my Xbox controller to vibrate non-stop and now it's more of a joystick! #TruthInComedy

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If someone bedridden tells you they're about to start physiotherapy, don't joke about how you expect to see them running around or doing cartwheels. You will sound like an asshole.

I've heard of a Resident Nurse or a Resident Advisor but a Resident Alien? This I gotta see!!! (REAL TALK: You should see it too. It gets a little cheesy, but Alan Tudyk and Alice Wetterlund are nailing it!)

Asking someone taking anxiety medicine if they are experiencing any side effects without telling them what those side effects might be is rather counterproductive. #QuackQuackOops!