9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME FOUR

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, but it isn't revealed that the regular folk have been pranked. Six months later two Men In Black figures show up, take the prank victims to a detention centre and interrogate them, asking what they remember happening, if they stayed in contact with the other victim, if they sought counselling, etc. Only then does the kid from Stranger Things reveal they're on his prank show.

Never got why it's the norm for game show hosts to ask how the contestants would spend the money if they won; it's so patronising and rarely interesting. Imagine if your boss asked you how you were planning on spending your paycheck. It would be weird!

My great-grandfather was a proud Cornish miner, like many were around these parts, and actually invented strip-mining. Obviously it was a little different to how it's done today, when he did it whoever was last to fill up a bucket with tin had to take off an item of clothing.

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, except the prank isn't revealed until the stooges have worked at their pointless jobs for months, becoming close to the actors and thinking they're learning valuable job skills. One day their office or factory or whatever is attacked by chupacabras or creatures from the black lagoon, and the kid from Stranger Things reveals they've wasted weeks of their lives doing meaningless menial labour.

Just started watching The Handmaid's Tale and it's pretty rough. It did occur to me, and I'm aware that I'm courting controversy here, but it might actually be a pretty good set up for some of the men?

Is anyone else pretentious enough to pronounce "blogspot" to rhyme with "blog slow," dropping the t like the French do? Or are JK Rowling and I the only two assholes that do that?

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, only you focus on one guy for the whole season. The first episode he's scared out of his mind, but he becomes more and more annoyed when every time he goes for a job interview the kid from Stranger Things tries to convince him something paranormal is going on. He tries to file a restraining order but the court is attacked by yetis. The kid from Stranger Things reveals he's being pranked once again.

The best part of being a rockstar has to be the rider; imagine if every time you showed up for work they had to give you a bottle of Talisker and a dozen devilled eggs. Keep the sex and drugs, I'd do it for the sausage rolls.

TV pitch: A show exactly like Prank Encounters, but the kid from Stranger Things books paranormal investigators to explore offices, factories etc. When they turn up it's just a bunch of actors pretending to work regular jobs.