9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME ONE

To sleep, perchance to not feel so fucking tired all day?

First there was Black-ish, then there was Grown-ish, now there's Mixed-ish - I'm waiting for them to make Flemish-ish!

Kelis' hook from Got Your Money is definitely the earworm-iest recording of a streetwalker trying to assuage her pimp. I'm struggling to think of one that comes close!

Next person to bring up CryptoArt to me is getting uploaded into a CryptoCrypt!

Saw Young Rock and it's a blatant rip off of my spec script, Old Magma. (REAL TALK: The show is super cheesy and coasts on The Rock's charisma. The dialogue is super unsubtle, like Young Rock grew up in an alternate universe where subtext didn't exist, but it's full of heart and there were a few solid jokes in there. Also, I love that 15 year old Rock is portrayed by an actor who looks twice that age; like John C Reilly playing 14 year old Dewey Cox in Walk Hard or, for the kinksters amongst you, the delectable Julie Benz playing a diaper-clad high-schooler despite being 30 in The Bad Girls of Valley High. It's not the best film (quelle surprise!) but it features a scene where she wets herself in a supermarket whilst buying diapers from Chris D'Elia. Plus Aaron Paul plays a nerd character so broad that Screech would call him a dork!)

I programmed my Xbox controller to vibrate non-stop and now it's more of a joystick! #TruthInComedy

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If someone bedridden tells you they're about to start physiotherapy, don't joke about how you expect to see them running around or doing cartwheels. You will sound like an asshole.

I've heard of a Resident Nurse or a Resident Advisor but a Resident Alien? This I gotta see!!! (REAL TALK: You should see it too. It gets a little cheesy, but Alan Tudyk and Alice Wetterlund are nailing it!)

Asking someone taking anxiety medicine if they are experiencing any side effects without telling them what those side effects might be is rather counterproductive. #QuackQuackOops!