THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN THE LEPRECHAUN'S GAME

 Hello Mal-Pals! Those of you who familiar with my blog know that it has two primary functions: To showcase some of the dirty fiction I write to entertain myself and my friend Strict Julie, and as a dumping ground for whatever is taking up space in my noggin. Well, that's all about to change, as this blog is now a dedicated stan site for 2020's video nasty The Leprechaun's Game!

Scary! The leprechaun in the movie is actually blonde, which is less effective.

I watched this movie in the wee hours of this morning and found myself utterly delighted by it! Most modern horror is slow, generic and not worth your time. The few real stand outs of recent years are either weighed down with a horrible depressing backstory, usually involving the death of a kid, or are coated with a level of irony or silliness as if the makers need to reassure watchers that they're in on the joke and their film shouldn't be taken seriously. It's refreshing to see someone step up to the plate and swing for the fences, even if they do completely biff it!

I  never watch trailers as I find they always detract from my enjoyment of the film. I decided to watch this based purely on the misleading official synopsis, the intriguing poster, and a couple of details hinting that this film wouldn't be bad in the sense that it was a time wasting drudgery, but would hit that "so bad it's good" sweet spot where the film's flaws are entertaining enough to elevate the film above your average slasher or mediocre studio comedy. Plus, horror is a strange genre; even the lamest grindhouse flick can have a concept or special effect that stays with you after the credits roll.

The main thing that intrigued me was that the film has a running time of exactly eighty minutes. I don't know about you, but to me that screams "minimum viable product," someone determined to fulfil the necessary requirements for a feature length film without worrying too much about things like quality acting or realistic dialogue. "Servicable" seems to be the kindest adjective to describe most elements of this schlockfest! I was also tempted by the unheard actors that made up the British cast and the fact that the film was released elsewhere as "Vengeance of the Leprechaun" and "Vengeance of the Leprechaun's Gold." I honestly enjoyed every minute of it. The trailer gives you some idea of the gold you can find if you follow this particular rainbow:

The official synopsis doesn't really do the plot justice. Spoliers ahead! Here is the editorial review Amazon has for the film:

After a bunch of thieves are sent out to hunt urban legends, they steal the gold of a leprechaun, only to find there is a steep price to pay.

It's not quite true. The film opens with a couple of young women sat in a car parked in a multi storey car park. They discuss what options they have for the future and we learn that they've somehow found a fortune but are faced with spending the rest of their lives on the run. Whoever they've crossed has already killed their accomplices, and life on the lam is their only option. Unfortunately their car won't start, and the Leprechaun is revealed to be sitting on the back seat!

It's worth noting that the Leprechaun here differs in many ways from the classic portrayals in pop culture, or the Leprechaun franchise starring Warwick Davis. This movie's leprechaun is the size of a regular man and talks with a flat, accent-less voice that is distorted to the point where he is often incomprehensible. Despite his flat delivery he always refers to his precious coins as "Me gold!" He dispatches these two wrong'uns using his two go-to weapons: vague magical powers and a heavy-duty machete. He doesn't wear green, but has a gold bow tie and matching pocket square. His shirt looks like he might have been designed by Ted Baker. He has long blonde curly wig and looks as if he's wearing a mask made primarily from stilton cheese, that doesn't extend to his neck. His look is original, distinctive and weirdly off putting - I would call that a success for a movie monster!

There's then a big info dump filling us in on the legend of the Leprechaun. There's several sentences of information that isn't important, some of which is inconsistent with what we learn later in the film. The text is rainbow coloured and transposed over stock footage of an old map and green valleys. There is awful Irish music playing, which I have to assume was royalty free.

We then cut to Karl and Misha, who are having a VERY SERIOUS conversation, sat in an appropriately serious manner. It turns out Misha is pregnant. She's known for a few weeks, but hasn't told Karl because they have so little money. Karl does a lot of sighing and Misha decides to abort the kid. Her words, not mine. Karl tells her that they've "got this" and that where there's a will there's a way. Misha changes her mind just as abruptly - they'll have the kid after all!

Karl makes a phone call, the precise details of which are impossible to make out because he has the kitchen radio playing as he makes it. The radio DJ announces it as "the new track by Frankie FC" (I think) but I can't make out the name of it. It's awful regardless, a collection of what I assume are royalty free loops assembled into a royalty free track. I'm guessing Frankie FC is an in joke or that the work is being highlighted as a favour. The film has serious indie spirit, and is written and directed by Louisa Warren, who also plays Misha. I'm absolutely looking into some of the other films she's helmed, including The Mermaid's Curse, Virtual Death Match and Bride of Scarecrow!

Karl meets a dodgy friend, who talks him into meeting a man who has a "quick in and out" for them. This phrase is used throughout the movie, and never to describe a hasty shag. Karl is reluctant, but agrees to do One Final Job before cutting his connection to Britain's criminal underworld.

The scene where they learn about the job is fucking fantastic. It turns out the guy they're meeting is a collector of proof of other beings. You'd have thought that owning actual proof of just one supernatural entity would be a big enough deal to set you up for life, and this guy claims to be sitting on a treasure trove of paranormal artefacts! He brags about owning Bigfoot's claw, a yeti's fur, and the sack Krampus uses to collect children. Unfortunately, we don't get to see these trophies.

The collector asks the likely lads to head to the end of the rainbow and bring him back the leprechaun's gold. When asked why he's paying them instead of going himself he mentions that they might all be killed for stealing from the Leprechaun. As compensation for their risk they'll be paid a hundred thousand pounds for the bag of gold. If they can't find it everyone on the team will receive a grand for their troubles. Win win!

They decide to round up some local lads and eventually put together a team of six; two of whom are actually women. They decide to promise them £500 each for their time and keep the extra cash for themselves. Next thing we see they're in the woods, BESIDE THE END OF A FUCKING RAINBOW and promising everyone a grand, or a cut of the £100K. For some reason they haven't filled anyone in on the plan to hunt for a sack of gold before meeting at the rainbow's end, or more accurately, slightly off screen past the rainbow's end.

The group are rightly sceptical, but Karl's business partner Marshall ensures them that "stranger things have happened to [him] in [his] life!" Placated thusly, the gang start poking around in the undergrowth.

After a brief montage Marshall finds the sack, laying out in the open. It turns out Karl was betrayed by some of the other guys on a previous criminal job, and could have ended up in prison. The crew talk as if they're boosting stacks of cash from a mob safehouse rather than poncing about in a forest looking for mythical loot.

They can't believe their luck! Marshall decides that the gold is probably worth half a million quid, which means they could all get £100K each. Math is presumably not his strong suit. It's hilarious how quickly they decide, on the spot, to keep all the gold and fuck over the contractor. In the next scene the crew are sat around drinking petrol station bubbly out of tumblers. Karl asks what to do if the contractor comes after them, and Marshall offers up a defensive strategy so simple I can't believe I've never heard of it before.

"Comes after us? Well, I suggest you start spending! Spend, spend spend, buddy! Book a flight, take a holiday, put a deposit on a house... That's what I'm gonna do!" Marshall seems to be under the illusion that you can get out of debt by simply not having the money you owe, having exchanged it for goods or services. I will have to check with my investment broker, but I'm pretty sure that money doesn't work that way. He also points out that the guy shouldn't be taken seriously because he paid them to search for a leprechaun's gold. I genuinely  can't decide if his logic there is terrible or brilliant!

One of the crew goes home and tells his girlfriend that he's won a £100k on the lottery. They have sex, off screen, and the next morning the leprechaun soon shows up and kills them separately with two different types of magic.

Karl and Marshall meet a buyer so they can sell their gold. Somehow they've ended up with £100Ks worth between them. They're clearly not criminal masterminds. The buyer tells them that as it's clearly dodgy he'll only give them £30K for it. The film doesn't state it outright, but 30K divided by two is less than 100K divided by six, plus they potentially have the contractor coming after them for screwing him over. These guys are terrible at this.

Meanwhile, another member of the crew is murdered by the leprechaun in a multi storey car park with a machete.

A policewoman meets one of the gang in a church, telling her that two of her friends have died, and that the police "are assuming foul play due to the amount of blood found at the crime scenes." I imagine most cases where a corpse is displaying multiple machete wounds and has been left unceremoniously in the middle of a car park a second party turns out to be responsible. The police have CCTV footage of the gang meeting at the wood, and the cop recommends the gang member comes clean. "I don't think you're telling me the whole truth. I'm trying to help you. Police aren't trying to get in the way, be a pain, we are trying to help. We solve crimes, you hear me?" She talks a big game, but unfortunately we never see her again.

It's a shame, because outside of the scenery chewing cryptozoic collector Police is my favourite character. The whole time the two are talking they stare at the front of the church, possibly out of reverence, possibly because they're reading cue cards. Police is played by Antonia Johnstone, who has worked with some of the same actors on other projects, including Rise of the Mummy, which she directed as well as doing make up and wardrobe. This last credit surprised me because Police appeared not to have tucked her shirt in, a strange choice for a police officer. Antonia Johnstone is literally billed as Police in the credits.

As I write this I realise that Police's exit pretty much marks the midpoint of the film! Can you believe there are a further forty minutes to unpack?! I think the smart thing to do would be to stop here and finish my summary tomorrow. Look forward to much more Leprechaun's Game related content from here on out!

Peace!

✌  🌈💰🍀