A LOT CAN CHANGE IN AN HOUR: PART TWO

 In the first half of this story I shared how learning of my brother's engagement over Zoom allowed me to stop feeling bad for ending his previous engagement. What I didn't tell you was that later on the same Zoom call I learnt something that let me off the hook for failing to prevent a woman's murder nineteen years earlier.

So as you know, it was a couple of Friday's earlier and I was on the family Zoom with my parents and my brother Jason and his new fiancée, Amy. Everyone was in an understandably good mood. I can't remember what prompted it, but my mother asked Amy if she was good at math. Amy said she was OK with numbers but it was her worst subject in school, as she never got on with her math teacher at school, and that Jason was better at mental arithmetic than she was. I suggested that this must be because Jason got on so well with his math teacher. I was being facetious. The man was a freak.

DOMINANT BITCH QUEENED BY HIGH SCHOOL PRINCESSES

 I'm going to try something a little different in today's post. For the past few days I've been idly picturing a situation in which a confident woman finds herself helpless to the whims of some much younger girls. In case you're worried, all photos I'll be sharing are publicity stills for the Clare Fonda network so everyone featured is at least 18 years old. I've always had a hard rule (one of a few!) about only fantasising about women my age or older. As I've stated before I started late in the game, not even thinking about schoolgirls as sexual creatures when I was at school. I've dropped many self-imposed limits recently in the name of following my bliss, and so this fantasy was inspired by the fiercely sex-positive TikTok stars I saw in this post from the fantastic writer (and terrible influence) Strict Julie.

9 THINGS I'D POST ON TWITTER, IF I STILL USED TWITTER, VOLUME ONE

To sleep, perchance to not feel so fucking tired all day?

First there was Black-ish, then there was Grown-ish, now there's Mixed-ish - I'm waiting for them to make Flemish-ish!

Kelis' hook from Got Your Money is definitely the earworm-iest recording of a streetwalker trying to assuage her pimp. I'm struggling to think of one that comes close!

Next person to bring up CryptoArt to me is getting uploaded into a CryptoCrypt!

Saw Young Rock and it's a blatant rip off of my spec script, Old Magma. (REAL TALK: The show is super cheesy and coasts on The Rock's charisma. The dialogue is super unsubtle, like Young Rock grew up in an alternate universe where subtext didn't exist, but it's full of heart and there were a few solid jokes in there. Also, I love that 15 year old Rock is portrayed by an actor who looks twice that age; like John C Reilly playing 14 year old Dewey Cox in Walk Hard or, for the kinksters amongst you, the delectable Julie Benz playing a diaper-clad high-schooler despite being 30 in The Bad Girls of Valley High. It's not the best film (quelle surprise!) but it features a scene where she wets herself in a supermarket whilst buying diapers from Chris D'Elia. Plus Aaron Paul plays a nerd character so broad that Screech would call him a dork!)

I programmed my Xbox controller to vibrate non-stop and now it's more of a joystick! #TruthInComedy

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If someone bedridden tells you they're about to start physiotherapy, don't joke about how you expect to see them running around or doing cartwheels. You will sound like an asshole.

I've heard of a Resident Nurse or a Resident Advisor but a Resident Alien? This I gotta see!!! (REAL TALK: You should see it too. It gets a little cheesy, but Alan Tudyk and Alice Wetterlund are nailing it!)

Asking someone taking anxiety medicine if they are experiencing any side effects without telling them what those side effects might be is rather counterproductive. #QuackQuackOops!

A LOT CAN CHANGE IN AN HOUR: PART ONE

This is going to sound super melodramatic, but on the family Zoom call on the Friday of last week I received two pieces of information that allowed me to drop some emotional baggage that I've been holding on to for many years.

The first piece of information I've already shared: My brother Jason got engaged to Amy, his girlfriend of four years. This news is good for me because I know my brother blames me for his last engagement falling through. I know this because he shouted it at me through a haze of catatonia. He's not wrong.

FOND MEMORIES AND SWEET DREAMS

So in yesterday's blog I revealed that I was something of a late bloomer when it came to the art of onanism. My body was ready for years before I worked up the nerve to, well, crank one out, and I spent years both falling asleep and waking in a state of arousal. I remember having a fair number of wet dreams but I thought all us guys did; it wasn't until years later I learnt that, despite what you might have been told in sex ed class, in the real world nocturnal emissions are fairly rare, most guys using up their resources during the day.

I have two vivid memories of the actual content of such dreams, and they are both ridiculous. The first dream prompted me to get angry at myself for being so pedestrian; I had literally dreamed that I was browsing an honest-to-goodness porn site and admiring the pictures, an activity so wildly selfish and shameful and exploitative that there's no way I'd have had the courage to do so in real life. Now I'm telling the story for the first time it's obvious my subconscious was fulfilling my literal fantasy of looking at a picture of a naughty lady like I'm sure every other boy my age was. Still, back then I couldn't believe that was the most imaginative scenario I could come up with.

WINDOW SHOPPING: THOUGHTS INSPIRED BY THE CELL MATE CHASTITY DEVICE

I thought I'd share a discovery I made a couple of weeks ago that I've been thinking about on and off since. I know some of you were hoping for more "kink content" (shout out once more to the delectable Ms. Julie of Strict Julie Spanks!) and I think this qualifies. Don't expect much real world shenanigans, this will essentially be a summary of thoughts I had after a quick jerk-off session and my endorsement of an old porn video. This is the ride you signed up for, folks!

So like I said, it was a couple of weeks ago, and I was feeling a little rambunctious, and realised it had been a good long while since I had read any accounts of hessian clothing used to spice things up, and that I was rather in the mood for some. It's probably worth mentioning that the Wi-Fi at the care home I'm staying in absolutely sucks shit and won't really handle streaming video, so I've been looking at a lot of photos and reading a lot of stories and video descriptions. It feels very naughty, a feeling heightened by the knowledge that a nurse could come in at any time unannounced, to check on me or give me meds. It's a lot like when I was living with my parents after dropping out of university.

WHY START A BLOG; WHY START IT NOW?

Because I need something to keep me busy until they make a new season of The Watch.

I kid, I kid. The Watch is terrible, but I felt obliged to see it because I'm a massive fan of the books the show is based on. I needed to watch the series the same way a parent that's told their child has drowned might want to see the corpse.

Starting your blog with a joke about a child drowning? Bold choice!

So why start it for real? Good question! Turns out there are SEVERAL REASONS! Let me break them down for you: