OH, GOOD, MY SAFEGUARDING OFFICER IS A JOKE!

Hi Malpals,

I tend to be pretty laid back. I'll usually go with the flow, to the point where it's to my own detriment. I ended up in this dive because I agreed to move out of my temporary flat before all my concerns were met, I last went to hospital because I let the nurse here convince me my infections weren't as bad as I knew they were. I put up with a lot of shit, I think mainly because of my relationship with my brother growing up. He was a bully, and worked away at my self esteem, and when he stopped getting a rise out of me he started arguing with my mother. It takes a lot to put my needle in the red. But when it gets there, watch out!

In the Kill Bill movies there's a sound that plays when Uma Thurman's Bride character first encounters a member of the Deadly Viper Assassin Squad, post-coma. The camera focuses on her eyes, and an alarm sounds, followed by a quick six-note escalation. When it plays, we know The Bride is consumed by her anger, she'll leave it all on the floor as she goes after her target. She'll give all she's got, because these people will take it all from her. You can hear the sound here:

I've had moments where I've felt that way, as I'm sure we all have. And I'm sure I can't hear that sound in the moment, but I associate it so closely with that feeling of all consuming anger that I subconsciously add it when replaying these moments in my head.

The last time I felt it was whilst I was living in hospital after being kicked out of sheltered accommodation for being too much of a medical risk. Obviously I wasn't in the greatest headspace anyway, and then one afternoon I received a phone call from a telemarketer. I can't remember what the guy was pitching - pretty sure it was cheaper gas, though it might have been loft insulation - I can't remember what exactly it was, but it was definitely something you'd need to have a fucking house for. I said something like "You're barking up the wrong tree here, mate, I'm homeless and in hospital."

"You should move in with me, then," the cunt on the other end said.

I felt my face freeze mid-smile and my temperature drop. "What was that?"

"You should move in with me," the odious little shit repeated.

Well, I can't remember exactly what I said. I know I didn't swear or give a reason for the prick to take the moral high ground and hang up. I remember channelling my inner Victor Meldrew, first berating the poor bastard, then demanding to speak to his supervisor and asking what sort of outfit she was running, employing callous little sociopaths, asking if they were given any training or instruction or whether they were free to harass and insult whomever they liked... I was properly livid!

I had some of the same sense of anger on Friday when I met Danielle, my safeguarding officer. I was feeling pretty rough anyway, she hadn't let me know in advance she was coming, and I got the feeling she just wanted to get my paperwork off her desk rather than actually helping. Remember at primary school, when kids would argue, some grown ups would let both kids have their say and work out what was fair, whilst others would just make the kids shake hands and promise to behave? That was very much the vibe I was getting off this woman.

She started off asking what my goals were. I told her I wanted to leave this place. "Where to?" she asked. I told her I didn't know. I told her I wanted to be able to get out of bed and into a wheelchair. "Do you know what that will actually take?" she said. I told her I didn't. She said losing weight would help. I told her I've cut out sugary drinks, replaced crisps with healthy snacks, kept a food diary, consulted with a dietician and the kitchen staff, and that for nine months all I've had is earache about losing weight but that nobody is actually weighing me. She asked if I'd considered food substitutions. "For example," she said, "I really love ice cream." I told her I haven't had ice cream since moving in here. "Okay, but what I do is, instead of having Ben & Jerry's, which is 2000 calories, I'll have Halo Tops, which are 300 calories." I reiterated that I'd quit sugary drinks for water and potato chips for healthier equivalents. "The thing about healthy alternatives is that they do still contain calories; you can't eat them all day." I told her I had a snack between dinner ending at 5pm and breakfast starting at 8.30am. She then went on about the takeaway I had last week, saying that "one cheat meal can undo a week's good work." How about one in nine months, after they'd forgot to make me dinner? This woman was not winning me over!

At this point she decided to let me know why she was here to see me. Two separate safeguarding concerns have been raised, one by my occupational therapist about the home's failure to reposition me, and one by adult social care about their mistreatment of my hamster heart episodes. I guess her thoughts on dieting are an added bonus for her fat ass clients, whether they want it or not? Lucky me!

Well, she said, it's good news! The home have put their hands up, admitted they've done wrong, and are going to be better from here on out. I guess that makes up for shirking their duties for the past nine months? Am I supposed to be reassured now? To take them on their word that it'll be smooth sailing from here on?

"So, have they been repositioning you?" she asked.

"They started to, on Tuesday, knowing that safeguarding concerns had been made, and they bollocksed it up."

"How did they bollocks it up?"

"They repositioned me the wrong way, undoing the work the occupational therapist has been doing trying to straighten me out. I wrote to the occupational therapist on Tuesday when they did it and she sent one sheet of instructions to the care home manager on Wednesday morning. I've seen it, and I've told them not to move me until they've read her instructions so they know they're doing it right. One side of A4."

"Okay, well I know they've been trying to reach her. Is there anything else worrying you? The staff here say you're quite down.

"Yeah, my finances. My PIP payment was stopped in February, and because the home took so long filling out the paperwork to get my benefits reinstated I've dipped into my overdraft for the first time since becoming honeless, which is one thing I never wanted to happen."

"Ooh, I'm with you there, I don't believe in going in to debt." Well, 80% of the UK are, so maybe there's a colleague that can explain how fucking awful it can be? Maybe teach you some basic empathy as well? Unbelievable. "Well, I don't deal with the financial side of things, but I'll make a note to pass your details on to my colleague who does."

She then started to give me her deeply patronising wrap up speech - bare in mind this was my first time meeting this bitch, as far as I know she knows nothing about me or what I've been through already.

"Well, the good news is you're still very young, you've got a lot of opportunity to turn it all around. It will take a lot of graft, and it will hurt, and you will cry. Hey, but at least if you've got yourself into a pickle with your money then you won't be spending it on things like takeaways!"

Aaand there goes my inner alarm. Awee-orr! Awee-orr! Duhn duhn duhn duhn da-duhnnn!

 "The fuck did you just say...?"

"I haven't got into a pickle, the home spent so long filling out a simple form that it put me into debt. Because they don't care."

 "Well, we don't know how long these things take-"

 "Yes we do. Because the same form was sent to the hospital, and they sent it back within a week. All they had to do was write down how long I've been here and how much care I've been receiving, and it took them three and a half months. And now I have no money to my name, but I'm still paying these people once a month as if I had."

At this point I think she left, I can't remember her saying anything else, certainly nothing of value. I basically slept through the following 48 hours, that white hot anger took a lot out of me. I realised writing this I'm still angry about it! I was going to write a couple of things about Strict Julie's cornertime post, maybe revealing a couple of things in the process! But I realise I'm definitely in the wrong frame of mind, and am likely to cause myself trouble there!

God damn! Peace! Fuck!

✌